Learn to love
by Tamika DanarDraco
Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he’s been through? Will his best friend be able to show
1. RUN!

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, LIVE WITH IT!

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, SM (Self-Mutilation), Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, and all round Nastiness caused by the hyperactive author.

A/N: This idea got stuck in my head and now I have to write it! Damn you over active imagination! Damn you overly boring science lessons! HeHeeeeeee… it's the sugar… 200g of mint imperials in less than 15 minutes… not good!

WHOOPT! Sorry…

RUN!

His feet pounded on the road, he could feel the rhythm of the streets racing through his exhausted body. He couldn't stop running, running from his fear. Leaving it all behind in the rain. Water pouring down his back, silky hair plastered to his skull. Bruises were beginning to show on his face and arms as the rain washed away the blood that had covered them. Thunder rumbled overhead a few minutes after the last flash of lightning. The storm was coming closer. The boy wondered what would happen if he got caught outside when the storm reached the city.

_Hopefully I'll die…_he thought grimly, but realised he didn't care. Tears mixed with the rain on his cheeks as he ran, why? Why had this happened? And where could he run? His thoughts tumbled around and around, raising more questions than they answered. Instead he just kept running, letting the sharp pain in his feet distract him, running barefoot through the city street wasn't wise, but why did he care? Thinking there was no one there to hear him the boy tossed his head back and screamed. The sound was full of desolation and betrayal, and it echoed oddly in the water soaked night. But someone did hear the scream.

The other person ran straight towards the sound, but realised the first person had kept running. Racing after the retreating figure he called out. But instead of the other slowing they ran faster and faster from the second.

_Shit! Why did He have to be there? Why can't you just leave me to find somewhere in this city to die? I don't want to live, not after that… not after that…_ these last thoughts slowed him, until he gave up altogether and fell to his knees. Breath pounded through his body, rattling his bruised ribs. Blood thundered in his ears and tears clouded his vision. He didn't see the other person running up beside him until they whispered his name and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. But even the light touch was enough to set the pain rocketing through his slender frame. He whimpered in pain, and hated himself for that admission of weakness. The hand didn't move from his shoulder and the boy wanted to scream in pain and frustration at his life, but most of all he wanted to curl up in the other's arms and break down. But he couldn't do that; it was bad enough to be kneeling here on the city streets and have tears running down his face, to break down completely would be to admit he was weak.

_Just go away. Please…_ he begged silently, the other person had wrapped his thick, warm coat about the fallen boy's shoulders. Clutching at the comfort it offered he wished again for the other person to leave him and his misery alone.

"Come on. I'll take you home." Those word sent shivers of terror through the injured boy.

"…no…not home… please…" the words were only whispered but the boy beside him heard them and froze. Looking closely at the bruises on his friend's face the other boy tugged him to his feet.

"Then you'll come home with me." It wasn't a question, just a simple statement of what was. _That's the way he does things, just assuming you'll do what ever he says. I suppose it's true, when have we other done otherwise? And what other choices do I have? Stay out here and freeze or go back… NO! I'm not going back. Please, don't call home._ The other person wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders and led him down the street.

A flash of lightning showed up the bruises on his face and the other boy gasped.

"What happened to you?" silence. _I wish I could tell you, please just stop asking questions. You know I can't help but tell you things when you ask._ The other boy seemed to get that he was going to stay silent. And anyway, it was part of their friendship; in exchange for their trust they didn't ask each other unwanted questions.

At one point the first boy stumbled and nearly fell, only to be caught up and carried the rest of the way, bridal style. The thought caused a little smile to tug the corners of his mouth. The warm, strong arms around him made all his fears seem childish and pointless. Until he shifted slightly and pain rocked through his body, making him realise the terror was all too real. Wrapping his arms tighter around his friend's neck he clung to the only solid thing in this shifting world of agony and rain.

They reached the second boy's home without further incident. The door was flung open and a strong male voice boomed out.

"Welcome home son! I thought you'd drowned in the rain!" good-nature laughter followed the statement and a woman appeared from somewhere else in the apartment. She placed her hands on her hips in mock-anger and glare at her son. But he just stared blankly at her and helped his friend to his feet. His parents' gasped and began to ask questions at the same time.

"Shut it!" his parents fell silent and waited for the answers to come, they were sadly disappointed. "I don't know what happened to him. I was walking home when I heard some shouting, I went to find out who it was and I found him. The only thing he said to me was that he didn't want to go home." The second boy's parents looked extremely worried, but knew better than to voice their concerns.

"Go get into some dry clothes, both of you. I'll get some extra blankets and pillows." His mother said as she walked off down the corridor, while his father swept his son's barely conscious friend up and carried him into the boy's room.

"I'll leave you in charge here son, I've got to try and salvage some of your mother's cooking." Stripping off his rain socked clothes and pulling on some dry ones from the dresser he turned to his best friend.

"Come on, change into these, you'll feel better if you're warm." Trying to avoid being noticed he watched the other boy change. (Pervert!) Stifling his gasp of shock was hard though; nearly every inch of the other's body was covered in bruises. The newer ones were deep blacks and blues but underneath those he could see the faint yellowish marks of previous injuries. When the other boy was dressed in his clothes, he came and sat on the edge of the bed and looked around the room wearily, as if someone might suddenly jump out and attack him.

"Honey, can I come in?"

"Yeah, door's open." his mother came in carrying a bundle of spare covers and pillows. She smiled at his friend who just watched her nervously. Feeling put out by this the woman dumped her armload at the other end of the bed and left the room as fast as she could. The too boys eyed each other guardedly, but then he watched in shock as his friend's eyes rolled upwards and he fell forward limply.

* * *

A/N: I know, another ficcy from me! But like I said the idea wouldn't leave me only so I just had to type it up. Sorry for any crappiness, BLAME IT ON THE MINTS! ;P 

Anyhoo, I wonder if anyone can guess who's who, remember this is AU so trying to guess by the family won't get you anywhere! Next chappy is being written immediately! So hopefully should have it done by tomorrow. Lol Tami!


	2. I'm Safe With You

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, LIVE WITH IT!

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, SM (Self-Mutilation), Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, and all round Nastiness caused by the hyperactive author.

WARNING (again): I'm sorry about the obsession I have with MINTS! I tend to go about them a lot, so you have been warned!

A/N: This chapter was quite hard to write, because of the angst here, as we start to find out more of what happened. I called Tai's dad Takuma and his mom Ami, because, one I like the names, two I don't like their TV names, and three it's my ficcy and I'll do what I want! MMMMWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Also I don't know what other pairings are gonna be in here, but I think its safe to say there are gonna some hints of Sora x Matt. Might turn out to be a Dai/Keru/Ken triangle, not surethough.

Replies to reviews:

_Krixel: CONGRATULATIONS! You guessed correctly! Have one of the last five MINTS! from the even bigger bag I got this morning! WOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sorry…_

_Anyhoo! Thank you for complimenting me on my writing style, putting this story on your HUGE favs list and saying you enjoyed the first chapter, I don't think it was any good, but hey it was only the prologue-y type thing… please review again, if the chapter doesn't scare you away that is… sorry I tend to go on when I'm hyper… HeHeeeeeee _

_InfynitiStar: CONGRATULATIONS! You guessed correctly as well, have a MINT! Sorry… you must be kinda insane to keep on like that, but hey that's pretty average for my friends, we tend to have weddings in our lessons at school, or set fire to teachers' hairstyles, or have disturbing conversations about potatoes, so… yeah…_

_Well at least you didn't have to wait to long for the next chapter! And thank you for putting this ficcy on your favs list and for the huge compliment, saying I'm a good writer, hopefully I'll become a professional author one day, so it's nice to know there's someone out there who thinks my writing is good. But you've got a longish wait to find out exactly what happened. _

_Mikin Ishida: I've continued! Here's the next angsty-ish chapter. Thanks for putting this ficcy on your alert list._

_Amethyst Bubble: WOW! I love your pen name, Amethyst is my birthstone, and purple is my fav colour, sooooo, Anyhoo. I'm glad there are people out there how like my stuff! _

_YugiYamiforever: SORRY! You didn't guess right, but have a MINT! anyway!_

_Towennar: Shame you don't know who's who, but I'll still give you a MINT! You'll find out who's who in the chappy anyway, so DO NOT PANIC! I repeat DO NOT PANIC! Sorry… _

_DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: Thank you for reviewing this story, and saying you like it! Is this soon enough? I hope so. Also thanks for putting this ficcy and me on your alert lists, (Yes I do look and see who puts my stuff on their lists) _

I'm Safe With You

He was warm, and someone held him in a gentle embrace. The memories of the night before had blended together and mixed into a confusing tangle of thoughts. His head was resting against something warm and solid, a deep thudding rhythm underneath his head made him guess that he was resting on someone's chest.

_Hang on… embrace! Resting on someone's chest! What the fuck!_ He shot upright, then wished he hadn't because waves of dizziness and intense pain shot through him. Curling over in a ball he let a tiny whimper of misery escape his lips. After yesterday he could allow himself this one moment of weakness. A few crystal tears fell onto the hands he had folded in his lap. Pretending they weren't there the boy took a deep steadying breath and tried to calm his ragged nerves. He watched as his whole body shook from lack of food and the residue fear. But he felt strangely apart from it, as if all these things were happening to someone else. Taking another shaky breath the boy ran a hand through his hair. After the soaking it got last night he wasn't surprised to notice it had gone all frizzy and tangled as it dried. A bitter smile twisted his lips as he wondered why he had once cared so much about his appearance.

_There's no point any more. No point in anything._ But despite his newfound resolution not to care the teen once again found tears stinging his eyes. It hurt. Fuck it hurt so much to realise…_ NO! I can't go there. I can't think about it._ He gave a choked sob as against his will he saw the events of the night before flash through his mind. Why? Why did it happen? Usually he had done something wrong, and deserved to be punished. But this time… what had been done to him went beyond that; it was so… wrong, so… degrading.

_He must have been drunk._ But there had been no sent of alcohol in the mouth that had been pressed to his in a stolen kiss. _I must have made something he doesn't like for dinner._ But he'd made Black bean Stir-fry, his favourite._ He must have had a bad day at work._ But he had been glowing with happiness when he came home. _He must have… STOP THIS! I can't dwell on it, all I know is it happened. And I wish it hadn't._

"Morning 'Mato." A sleepy voice mumbled beside him. Looking down he found a pair of soft chocolate eyes watching him with concern.

&#&#&#&#&#&#

Yamato was sitting curled up on the edge of his bed, soft blue eyes filled with tears, the bruises stood out very clearly in the sunlight streaming through the window. His golden hair had tangled and knotted itself into a mess, but the blonde didn't seem to care, he was staring blankly out the skylight, his expression was one of intense pain. Taichi saw that his friend was shaking badly, hands clasped in his lap. Yamato gave a soft sob and fresh tears fell from his beautiful ocean blue eyes.

_Eyes like diamonds, with many faces that reflect the light in different ways. Eyes every shade of blue seen in water and ice. What am I thinking! This is too weird, even for me._

"Morning 'Mato." The blonde twisted round to face Taichi and for a moment all his emotions showed plainly, then with a flicker they were gone leaving just an icy uneasiness. Taichi yawned widely and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, grinning at his best friend the soccer athlete launched himself out of the bed, jumped over to the dresser, pulled out some clothes and bounced out the room, leaving a very confused Matt.

Sitting up hurt, standing hurt, breathing hurt, being alive hurt but Yamato did all of these things. He was unsteady on his feet and had to lean against the desk to stop himself from falling. Everything hurt, but at the moment the throbbing in his skull threatened push all the other pain aside. This was gonna be a killer headache.

_Maybe it will finish me off. I hope so. _Despair reached up to choke him, but the blonde pushed it all away forcefully. _What am I going to do? Tai's mom will probably call home despite what I might say. But she mustn't! I can't let that happen. _

"…oh gods…" he whispered half to himself, not thinking there was anyone else in the room.

"Oh gods what?" Taichi asked. Matt spun around firsts raised. The brunette's eyes went wide as he saw pure terror in the blue-eyed gaze.

But then Yamato grinned and joked: "Oh gods Tai don't sneak up on me like that!" Tai laughed and let a huge smile break out on his face.

"If you feel well enough to joke, perhaps you feel well enough to eat?" Tai's mom asked kindly. Yamato watched with a smile on his face as Tai went pale at the thought of his mother's cooking. "So what do you boys want for breakfast then?"

"Bacon!" Takuma called from somewhere else in the apartment. Yamato nodded and let a small smile grace his lips at the suggestion.

"Right bacon it is then! Ami laughed before returning to her kitchen. Taichi turned to his best friend, a pleading look on his tanned face.

"Please Matt, help my mom cook. Please!" Yamato glared. Taichi pouted.

"PLEASE! Unless you want to be eating charcoal for breakfast, please help her cook!" Yamato sighed in mock defeat and walked out of Tai's bedroom with said brunette dancing behind him.

"Morning you two!" Tai's dad said from over the top of his newspaper. The brunette pulled up a chair beside his dad and looked over the older man's shoulder to read the sports section. Ami was busy in the kitchen trying to slice up the bacon while Yamato hovered at the edges, apart from this scene of family life. Inside his heart bled, he had never had a family like this, one where everyone got on well, a family of normal people, well as normal as you could get with Tai as a relative.

_Yamato's personal Flashback_

SLAP! The sound rang sharply through the small apartment. The small boy's head was jerked to the side, reaching up a trembling hand to his sore face Yamato looked at his mother in shock.

"It's all your fault! If you acted like a normal person we could be an ordinary family. But nooooo! Just look at you!"

SLAP!

"I don't want to see you again today. Just make breakfast and get to your room!"

_End of Flashback_

Yamato shook himself away form the painful memories, it was a long time ago but the pain was still as sharp. He walked over to where Ami was cutting… something with a knife. She grinned apologetically to her son's blonde friend before trying to work out what the hell she had been doing. Matt reached over before he realised what he was doing and grabbed Ami's wrist before she cut her hand off. Twisting his grip slightly so she dropped the knife Yamato walked around to stand beside her.

"Here, go sit down I'll do this." Brown eyes that were paler than her son's widened and she gaped at him in shock.

"You can cook!" he blushed and nodded before turning away and trying to salvage some of their breakfast. Realising that she must have embarrassed Yamato Tai's mom put a comforting hand on his arm and smiled gently.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have assumed that you couldn't cook because you're a boy." Yamato smiled at her humble admission, and felt strangely grateful that she had accepted him so easily.

_Hang on… why should I care about what she thinks of me? It doesn't matter to me._ The last thought was more of a command than a fact. He didn't want to care any more. He didn't want to do anything, just stop. A few tears fell from his eyes, but luckily for him no one saw them.

Soon the Yagami household smelt of frying bacon. Takuma had gone to change ready for work while his mom was tidying Tai's bedroom for the fourth time that week. Tai was standing behind Yamato, an arm slung comfortably around his shoulders. The touch hurt Yamato, resting a little too near_ that_ injury, but he kept the pain hidden behind his mask. He was glad that Tai hadn't noticed it yesterday, when the blonde had changed into some of Taichi's clothes. If he had Yamato knew the questions would never stop. Tai's arm around his shoulders was a warm and comfortable weight, but then the brunette suddenly rested his head on Yamato's right shoulder.

The scream of agony brought both adults shooting back into the kitchen. Yamato had braced himself against the counter, right hand curled protectively to his chest, his whole body shaking with pain and the shock of its strength. Taichi had had enough sense to turn off the cooker, and was now standing beside the blonde, confusion and concern all over his face.

"Matt? What happened?" the blonde just shook his head and took another gasping breath. _Tai. Please. Just. Go. Away. We. Promised. Remember? No. Questions. Fuck. This. Hurts._ Yamato's breathing was ragged and uneven from pain and his vision was fading._ Shit. I'm. Going. To. Faint._ The pain was so intense, radiating out from his shoulder in waves. On the back of his shirt there was a spreading stain, like someone had spilt liquid there. Tai was standing beside his friend, resting a hand on his left arm; very gently he reached up his other hand to lie against Yamato tear-stained cheek.

Matt felt Tai's hand against his face and leaned into the comforting touch; here was something solid and safe, Tai could be trusted, Tai was Yamato's best friend. He was going to pass out and he knew it. Yamato was loosing his grip on consciousness fast, and hated himself for that, fainting was weakness and he couldn't afford to show weakness.

"Matt? What did I do!" Tai wailed._ You didn't do anything Tai; it's all my fault. _

"You. Didn't do. Anything. Tai." The effort of talking made his headache and his vision swim. He felt Tai's arms curl around him protectively, leaning against the brunette Matt finally felt safe and gave up his fight with consciousness.

* * *

A/N: I know Matt faints a lot in this, if only you knew what I done to him… you couldn't blame him. Luckily you won't know for a long-ish time what I did, well not what _I _did but what one of the characters did. I bet you've all been scared away by the disturbing comments I make. Oh well, **SHAMELESS BEGGING SECTION!** PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW! I'LL WRITE YOU INTO THE STORY (MAYBE, ONLY IF YOU SAY SOMETHING NICE, OR CONSTRUCTIVE) ! Tami. 


	3. Betrayal of my heart

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, LIVE WITH IT!

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, SM (Self-Mutilation), Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, and all round Nastiness caused by the hyperactive author.

A/N: I'm over whelmed by the response to this story; I don't think I've ever got this many reviews for a story with only two chapters! I loves you guys :glomps everyone in sight, including the cat: Neeb! Hummm physco UBER (VERY) STRESSED authoress…

Replies to reviews:

_Mikin Ishida: You are down right scary. Seriously how did you know Tai has twin siblings? Well twin sisters to be exact. But how did you know! Because I just re-read the chapters and I know I didn't mention it, so you're either very good at guessing or physic. Or both! But still thanks for reviewing!_

_InfynitiStar: it really sucks that you're getting ill and having loads of problems with your friends. I think all my friends have problems that they insist on telling me, and that isn't always a good thing, even though it's nice to talk to someone about it. I'm glad I've given you an idea for a Taito ficcy. It's nice to know that I've done something useful!_

_Krixel: when I was writing the bacon thing I was eating it so… yeah… anyways I like the way Matt has someone he can trust in, because believe me he's gonna need it! MMWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry… too many MINTS!_

_xEmmaxFrostx: Yeah, sorry if I kinda freaked you out, I do that to myself. A lot. And yes I know I rock! Sorry, smug authoress._

_jul: this update isn't as soon as I hoped it would be but, hey… 14 pieces of coursework to do in three weeks!_

_Ice Princess Xia: I'm gonna try and keep as much as I can a mystery because that way I hope to keep people ready, and give me something to think about in History lessons!_

_DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: Shame all your Internet stuff is down and you having to sit in a library all the time. But by the time you read this everything will probably be back to normal. And thank you, thank you, thank you for putting me on your favs list!_

_Shi Rurouni of the Aphrodesiac:Points accusing finger: You're dancing again! And you are just cruel to him, well actually I'm cruel, you just enjoy it! More below!_

_Salki: I like your pen name, I don't know why, it's just a nice name. Thank you for actually liking the ficcy._

_nEo-cHaN: NA HA! Now you're reading three of my ficcies, your mind is mine! MMMMMWWWWWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Yes, I have been eating mints today!) With fourteen pieces of fucking coursework due in three weeks updates will be random._

_Gwestial: MORNING! It's been at least a week since you reviewed, that's how long it took me to write the nasty chapter! Bad chapter! Down! Bad chapter! NO, NO, Sit, down. Stay. Umm don't attack me! I'm your creator! Bad Chapter! AGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR:a few drops of blood splatter against the screen:_

_Clear Black Glass: Yes, I must always stop in engaging places! Next question. I've had lots of MINTS! Today HEHEHE, HEHEHE! Scary me!_

_CitrusPeach: Thank you for the compliment about my writing, it means a lot to me. Begging me to 'Update soon' will not make me type any faster, as I have 14 pieces of coursework to do in three weeks! _

Betrayal of my heart

Taichi watched Yamato as the blonde slept peacefully. All the pain and worry that had creased his ivory brow was gone, leaving behind a beautiful angel. Shaking his head Taichi tried to clear away these unwanted thoughts; Yamato was his best friend, Yamato was a guy for fucks sake! It was just wrong; he should have a crush on someone like Sora. She was smart, funny, beautiful, kind, generous, extremely protective and most importantly, a girl. Anyway it was just a crush, it would go away eventually, it was just a phase he was going through. Nothing to worry about.

"…yeah… just a phase." The brunette muttered with a pang of regret._ What am I thinking?_ He asked himself in shock. This was wrong!

**Ring, ring… ring, ring.** The sharp sound of the phone rang through the semi-silence of Tai's apartment.

"Tai! Can you get that, it might be your sisters." Ami called from the bathroom. The brunette ran out of his room and bounced over to the phone. Picking up the receiver he didn't even have time to take a breath before the caller began talking.

"Hello? Is that you Taichi?"

"Yes it's me who…"

"Thank god! Is Yamato there, please say he is?"

"Yes he's here, but who…"

"Thank god. I've been so worried. I even called Nancy, but he wasn't there and I was so worried. But thank god he's safe."

"Look! Who are you!"

"Sorry, it's Hiroaki, Ishida Hiroaki. Yamato's father."

"Oh…" Tai felt strange, Matt hadn't wanted to go home last night. But the blonde's father was in near hysterics over his eldest son's welfare. And those injuries Matt had, they hadn't come from nowhere. Tai had suspected that the older Ishida had done that to Yamato, but it didn't make any sense.

"Can I talk to him?" The man questioned, sensing the teen's discomfort.

"No. He's sleeping, and he looks like he's been beat up pretty bad."

"WHAT?" the reaction to this statement left no doubt in Tai's mind, Hiroaki hadn't got a clue about what had happened to his son. "What do you mean? Tell me what happened!"

"I don't know. I just found him outside last night, he said he didn't want to go home and anyway my place was closer so I brought him back."

"Tai honey, who is it?" Ami asked her son as she walked into the small living room.

"It's Matt's dad. I think you should talk to him." The woman wordlessly took the phone and listened intently to what the man had to say, while Tai snuck back into his room.

Yamato was awake and sitting on the end of the brunette's bed when Taichi walked into the small room. He hugged his knees and watched his best friend move about the room, and Taichi saw fear glinting in those impossibly blue eyes.

Yamato hurt. Every inch of his body hurt, a deep mind-numbing ache that rolled through him with every laboured breath he took. He felt sick; he had heard Tai talking to that bastard. _How could he do this to me? I trusted him and he… he…_ the blonde sobbed and buried his head in his hands, Tai gasped and sat down next to the distraught boy. Very gently he wrapped an arm around the slender waist and pulled his friend close to him. For a moment Yamato stiffened and tried to pry himself away from the embrace, scared and hurt by the brunette's perceived betrayal. But his strength failed him and he relaxed limply into Tai's strong arms. The brunette sighed and hugged him tighter, leaning his head against Yamato's.

"Yamato? Are you awake?" Mrs Yagami questioned through the door.

"…yeah…" he called back, his voice weak.

"That was your father on the phone." The blonde went rigid. "He's coming round in a few minutes to pick you up." shaking his head the blonde sobbed loudly.

"Please, please tell me you're joking."

"No. Why would I be?" Ami asked curiously.

"No. Oh gods no. Please. I don't… can't go with him, please don't make me go." Tai shared a worried glance with his mother; she raised an eyebrow and looked back at the young blonde.

"Yamato… what happened yesterday?"

_&&&&&&_

"Yamato… what happened yesterday?" What was he supposed to say to her? Spill out the whole story and be saved. Or go back and endure the pain in silence, but still keep his pride. His pride. The only thing that had kept him remotely sane in the darkness of his soul. He looked down at his hands, wishing he had a pair of gloves to cover up the shinny burns scars. It hurt so much to keep secrets from his friends; after all they'd been through together it shamed him. Tai was leaning his head on the blonde's, a warm weight against his chilled body. Chilled not only in body but soul too.

"I-I…" he stopped, ashamed that he was going to break. Tears fell from his already sore eyes.

"Matt, it's okay to tell us…" Tai's soft voice washed over him, making him feel like nothing could ever hurt him again. But it was a lie, just like everything else. Then again Tai was strong and had always protected everyone else, even Yamato. "It helps to talk about these things." And then the illusion shattered.

"You're wrong." The blonde stated flatly, shocking both his friend and Ami. "It just hurts to talk."

"Matt…"

"Just drop it Tai." The blonde said wearily, too tired to fight his best friend. Taichi looked at his friend sceptically, but said no more. The older Yagami opened her mouth to say something but was cut off by the doorbell ringing. As she left to answer it Yamato sobbed harshly and buried his head in his hands, Tai frowned in worry over his friend. The soft murmur of voices could be heard coming from the living room, but neither boy could make out the words.

Yamato was scared, more scared than anything in his life. After facing death countless times, he didn't even have the strength of mind to face his own father.

"Yamato?" a deep male voice question softly. Tai looked up at his door to see Mr Ishida standing there, concern present all over his face. Matt jerked his head up and glared at the man.

"Oh gods what happened to you?"

"Don't give me that shit! You know exactly what happened." Hiroaki's eyes widened and he took a careful step forwards. Matt flinched visibly and shifted further away from his father, who saw this and stopped.

"Yamato, I don't understand."

"Neither do I! How could you do it!" the blonde was screaming near hysterically, taking sharp uneven breaths.

"Do what?" the older man asked softly, staring at his son in utter confusion.

"THIS!" he shouted sweeping his arm down his slender body, taking all the bruises and cuts. "THIS!" Yamato screamed again. "YOU DID THIS TO ME! AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!" He fell back, exhausted by his own outburst. Breathing heavily he let his head fall against his chest with a thump.

"Yamato…" the older Ishida said cautiously. He took a hesitant step close to his son, watching for any violent reaction. Matt didn't move, he just sat there frozen by fear. To terrified to even cry any more. Matt's father placed and hand on his shoulder gently, looking at his oldest son with anxiety.

"Yamato. You are not yourself. Come on, I'll take you home."

"NO!" the blonde surged to his feet and pushed the older man away from him, Mr Ishida just stared at his son uncomprehending. "NO! you-you… I can't believe you." Turning suddenly to his best friend the blonde looked at Tai beseechingly.

"You believe me, don't you Tai?" those impossibly blue eyes ached, and showed all the pain and fear and betrayal too clearly, how could Tai not believe him? The brunette looked away from Yamato to met the glance of his father. Hiroaki stand a few feet away from his son, hurt and confusion on his face. The young teen didn't know whose opinion to accept as true, but Matt hadn't always been truthful to Tai…

Yamato gasped as his friend looked back at him, he saw the bitter truth there in those chocolate depths. Tai didn't believe him, instead the tanned boy was siding with that bastard. The blonde felt all the life go out of him, and he just stood there numbly, wanting it to all end. His father came up behind him and swept Matt up into his strong arms.

Carrying his son Hiroaki passed Mrs Yagami in the hall, whispering that he was taking Yamato home. Tai had followed them out to the door and as his father left Yamato looked back at his friend, not bothering to mask his emotions.

_&&&&&&_

That look sent shivers down Taichi's spine, full of emotions they must have been killing the blonde. Betrayal, terror, desperation, and deep, soul-destroying agony.

'I'm sorry.' Tai mouthed at his best friend, watching the tears fall from sea-blue eyes.

* * *

A/N: HEHE! Now I make you wonder even more, well that's the theory anyway. I've been listening to Live8 the entire time I was writing this chapter. Anyone who's reading this should log onto the Live8 website and sign the list, MAKE POVERTY HISTORY! Thank you. 


	4. Listener, Watcher, Dreamer, Encourager,

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, LIVE WITH IT!

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, SM (Self-Mutilation), Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, and all round Nastiness caused by the hyperactive author.

A/N: This chapter's heading away from the main characters and is starting to set up the roles of everyone else. I love writing centred on other characters, trying to see how they would react to the things happening to them, that's why I usually write in 3rd person so I can follow other people! And yes, Tai is full of himself.

Replies to reviews:

_Mikin Ishida: You're right, physic does sound good, then you could know when someone was gonna give you homework or something… Hummm, Tai was odd in the last chappy (When is he not?) _

_InfynitiStar: YEAH! Cliffy! I love writing cliffhangers, mostly so I annoy my reviewers! It's fun watching my reviewers go insane because I'm updating slowly! HEHE! _

_Also Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to InfynitiStar! Happy birthday to you:Gives InfynitiStar a cake: Blow out all the candles! YEAH! I finished this chapter just for you; there I hope you feel special! And I'm happy you resolved all your friend issues, now if only Tai could do the same…_

_nEo-cHaN: Loads of my friends went to Live8, and I saw them on TV, they were in the front row and Robbie Williams even hugged one of them!_

_Poor, poor, poor Yama more like! Good nEo! You updated Burnout! Now all you have to do is update ALL THE REST OF YOUR FICCIES! Yes, ALL!_

_Clear Black Glass: MWWWWWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes I am trying to drive you insane, next question. Me nice? You must be joking! And I have to stop otherwise it would take me forever to write a fic, and you wouldn't want that would you?_

_Krixel: This chapter isn't as intense, and like I said goes away from the main plot for a bit, it's also quite long. Tai is supposed to be stupid, its _Tai,_ what do you expect? But who can Yama trust now? Guess, I dares ya!_

_jul: Well just two minutes after you reviewed I was ready to post this chapter! As it only took me today to write even though it's the longest so far! Cool! _

Listener, Watcher, Dreamer, Encourager, Sufferer

The steady hum of the machine comforted him and made all his problems seem trivial. But he knew as soon as he turned off the computer all those troubles would come back. Totally absorbing himself into his work was the only way he knew to chase away the concerns of his life. Of course that did have its good points. His friends often came to his apartment because he would utterly lose himself in whatever it was he was doing and ignore them. They would then wait until they had calmed down before leaving again. The truth was he never completely lost himself when someone was over, instead he would pay close attention to what they were saying or doing, just in case he might be able to help them.

Glancing at the small clock in the bottom of his screen the boy continued to type, fingers flying over the keys. Only 7:30 in the evening, and as his parents were away visiting relatives he had many more hours left before he logged off and was forced to start thinking about… things again.

After having finished all his homework for the weekend the boy decided to see if any of his friends were online. Logging himself in he found a few familiar names there.

**ComputersRule: Logged on.**

**SoccerGod: **Hey Izzy! You haven't been online 4 ages!

**ComputersRule: **Hello Tai. I know, but I've finished all my homework assignments and didn't have anything better to do with my time.

**SoccerGod:** Great! So now I'm just a replacement 4 your boredom.

**ComputersRule:** Well duh! What else are you good for, except blackmailing?

**SoccerGod:** Haha very funny! Anyway, Izzy, we have a problem, we need your help.

**ComputersRule:** When DON'T you need my help Tai? What's your problem?

**Beauty Queen:** IZZY! HI! IT'S MIMI!

**ComputersRule:** Hey Mimi, I didn't know you were online! Anyone else I should know about before I start?

**PhoenixFromTheAshes:** Hi, Izzy, Tai's right, you haven't been online for ages. In case your brain has melted from spending so much time in front of your computer, it's Sora. That's all of us so far.

**ComputersRule: **I know. My brain hasn't malfunctioned yet, and anyway I don't think anyone but Tai could forget your pen name, considering it's the longest on the site. Right can someone tell me what your problem is?

**PhoenixFromTheAshes:** Tai, its up to you.

**Beauty Queen: **Yep! All yours Tai.

**SoccerGod:** Gee, Thanks guys! Well I'll fill you in on what I've told the girls. Last night I was on my way back from yours when I heard someone screaming. I know it was stupid but I ran over 2 see what was going on, and there was Matt. He was running away so I shouted his name but he just ran faster. I followed him, and after a while he just stopped. I looked at him and his face and arms were covered in bruises and he didn't have a coat or anything. So I lent him mine and took him home.

**ComputersRule:** Hummm… anything else happen?

**SoccerGod: **Well. Meems, Sora you guys listening?

**Beauty Queen:** YEAH! Miss this? You must be kidding? I can't wait till everyone hears about this.

**PhoenixFromTheAshes:** Mimi, I don't think we should tell anyone about this, just keep it with us, okay?

**Beauty Queen:** but… but please!

**ComputersRule:** Sora's right, I don't think Matt would appreciate us talking about him anyway, without us telling other people, including the other Digidestined.

**SoccerGod: **Izzy's got it guys, we can't tell anyone this, I'm not even gonna tell Kari; technically (Oh Big word) I shouldn't have told you three.

**Beauty Queen:** Fine! Not a word to anyone.

**PhoenixFromTheAshes:** I won't tell anyone Tai. Promise. Anyway it wouldn't be fair on Matt. Anyhow Tai, what happened after you took Matt home?

**SoccerGod:** Well he passed out and stayed the night, then in the morning he was cooking breakfast when I just touched his shoulder and he, like, well screamed.

There was a pause as the three others stared at the last message on the screen, Koushiro found it hard to imagine the strong and indifferent Digidestined of Friendship screaming. Now he was beginning to grasp why Tai had asked them to tell no one. The redhead ran a hand through his short-ish hair and started to type back to his friend.

**ComputersRule: **So, what happened then Tai?

**SoccerGod:** He fainted again, and was out until about 4-ish when his dad called. When my mom told him his dad was coming 2 pick him up he freaked out and started crying.

**Beauty Queen:** Matt! Crying!

**PhoenixFromTheAshes:** Tai if this is a joke stop it now! It's not funny.

**SoccerGod:** I'm not joking guys, I'll bet my digivice on it! Matt is human you know, I've seen him cry before.

**Beauty Queen:** NO WAY!

**SoccerGod: **Yes way! Twice, and god… 2day he was so upset about whatever had happened, and he was a mess, literally. When his dad showed up Matt totally freaked and said that his dad had beaten him up, but the guy hadn't got a clue about what the hell was going on. And when Matt's dad took him home Matt was crying again and he was so upset and I know its all my fault.

**PhoenixFromTheAshes:** How can it be your fault? Did you do something stupid. Again?

**SoccerGod:** Well, when Matt said his dad beat him up, Matt asked if I believed him…

**Beauty Queen:** Tai! How could you be so insensitive! You… you Bastard!

**Beauty Queen: Logged off.**

**PhoenixFromTheAshes: **Tai, I knew you were thick, but I never thought you could do something like that! You said he was in such a mess, why didn't you believe him?

**SoccerGod:** Well he hasn't always told me the truth. And well you should have seen his dad, the guy didn't have a clue what Matt was talking about.

**ComputersRule:** Tai did the thought that Matt's father could have been acting occur to you?

**SoccerGod:** ummm… no?

**PhoenixFromTheAshes:** Tai! You… you idiot! You are so dead when I see you on Monday!

**PhoenixFromTheAshes: Logged off.**

**ComputersRule:** Tai, look, you've got yourself into a right mess with Matt, and I think the next time you see him you should talk things over with him, and try to salvage something of your friendship. He trusts you Tai, and only you, yes the rest of us are his friends, but somehow its different.

**SoccerGod:** What do you mean? He trusts you guys 2.

**ComputersRule:** Tai I know you're not exactly the sharpest tool in the box but even Davis has noticed it.

**ComputersRule: Logged off.**

**SoccerGod:** Oh fine! Leave me here all by myself. I'm ALLL ALOONEEEEE!

**SoccerGod: Logged off.**

_&&&&&&_

Koushiro thumped his head against the desk, idiot, now he didn't have anything to do! He needed to occupy his mind to prevent himself from thinking about certain… things. Well at least he could set his mind to the task of sorting out Tai's problems. But once it would be nice if there was someone _he_ could talk to.

_How could Tai be so stupid? Matt had obviously believed it would be safe to tell Tai that he was being beaten, but what if Matt was lying? What if he wasn't and Matt's in trouble at this moment? Uck! Now Tai's only increased my worries, which is exactly what I don't need._ The redhead shut down his computer and wheeled across the room on his chair.

After coming back from the kitchen he glanced at the clock again. 9:00. Wow, he'd been talking to Tai, Mimi and Sora longer than he thought. Flopping out onto of the dark red duvet Koushiro stared up at his ceiling, running all possible answers to the situation involving Yamato through his head. By eliminating all personal feelings towards the blonde he could simply see Yamato as an enigma, a problem to be solved. But still he couldn't find a solution to the problem without knowing for sure whether it was Matt or his father who had been lying.

This was all Tai's fault. It was as if they thought Koushiro didn't have his own problems, but then again if Matt _was_ being abused at home… the redhead groaned and rolling over buried his head in the pillows.

_Stupid, stupid, DEAD Tai_

_&&&&&&_

Mimi twisted a strand of her hair round and round her finger. Her father watched her concerned frown worriedly.

"Mimi, sweetie what's bothering you?" the teen sighed and ignored her father, she didn't do it on purpose, she just had other things on her mind.

"Boy trouble honey?" the girl started in shock as her father placed a hand on her shoulder.

"No… not really."

"Oh? What's that supposed to mean." her mother asked as the woman swept into the room with a basket of dirty washing.

_I promised Tai I wouldn't tell anyone. But my parents don't know Matt. But then again they'll freak out and tell everyone. My mom is a worse gossip than me._

"It's nothing, just some gossip one of my friends told me!" she said grinning. Her father relaxed and turned back to the TV. While her mother smiled and carried on with her errands. Mimi sighed and went back to staring at the floor, tormenting herself with worry over her friend. She was also upset that she had called Tai a bastard, even though he deserved it, she still felt guilty.

"I'm going to go and paint my nails again, ok?"

"Sure honey."

"Don't get nail varnish on the floor sweetie." Her mother said as she walked back through the apartment carrying a now empty washing basket.

"I will." Mimi muttered distractedly as she headed for her room, she needed to talk to Matt before she made any decisions about him. Mimi might be a little dizzy but she was more in touch with other people than they knew. She turned on to her flat screen computer and logged onto a different chat site from the one she had been on earlier.

**Lilly: Logged on.**

**Lilly:** Hi, I'm looking for someone, goes by the name of BlueWolf. Anyone seen them log on?

**BlueWolf:** Hi Mimi. You haven't been on this site for a very long time.

**Lilly:** I know, but Matt we really need to talk, and I mean really.

**BlueWolf:** About what?

**Lilly:** Tai told me everything! About yesterday night and today.

**Lilly:** Yamato? Hello?

**BlueWolf:** How could he do this! I'm gonna kill him!

**Lilly:** Calm down, after all I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, but I thought you would want to know that whatever Tai says I'll stick with you, whatever is happening. Ok?

**BlueWolf:** I… thanks Mimi, you don't know how much that means to me.

**Lilly:** No biggy, anyway we're friends. That's what friends do, stick together. Now, you gonna tell me what happened?

**BlueWolf:** Thanks… Mimi I don't really want to talk about what happened, I'm not really sure myself anymore. And it's kinda… I don't know just…

**Lilly:** it's ok; I don't wanta pressure you or anything. But just in case you need someone to tell you everything's gonna be ok, just call or come over.

**BlueWolf:** Thanks, Mimi. Soz, I've got to go, see you Monday, if I'm feeling better that is.

**Lilly:** Ok, By Matt, see you when I see you!

**BlueWolf: Logged off.**

**Lilly: logged off.**

She sighed and leaned back in her chair, feeling happier now. Matt hadn't seemed upset or worried, it was hard to tell online but when people were upset they tended to make spelling mistakes. She knew this because the younger girl ran an e-help site, basically an online agony aunt thing. It would have been easier to talk to the blonde over the phone but he was so secretive none of them actually had his number, not even Tk. Mimi shock her head and pushed herself up, stretching her arms behind her head.

"Mimi, time for bed sweetie."

"Mom, its only ten!"

"Mimi, you know the rules!"

"Yes mom." the girl sighed again.

_I bet none of the other Digidestined have to go to bed on time!_

_&&&&&&_

"Tai bed!"

"But mom!"

"BED!"

_&&&&&&_

Sora held the warm cup of chocolate close to her and wrapped her fingers round its heat. She knew she would get no sleep, the teen had been to worried to even pay attention while her mother was talking and then they had got into a huge fight. Sora loved her mom and they had become close after the whole Digiworld adventures but, now they were drifting apart again. Toshiko, Sora's mother was in her bedroom rearranging the flowers, again.

Sora curled deeper into her chair, saddened by the widening gap between herself and her mom. She was also being eaten by worry over Yamato. What would it be like to fear your own family, after all even though she and her mom didn't get along, they didn't fear each other. Imagine, going home to a dark apartment, cleaning it up, cooking and waiting for your parent to come home when they would start to beat you…

"Oh, Matt. You don't deserve that." even though she had no proof the auburn haired girl still believed in Matt, he might have made some mistakes in the past but he would never lie to his friends. Sora took a sip from her cooling drink and watched her mother out the corner of her eye as the woman walked back into the living room and started to arrange the flowers there. Making a decision the young girl went over and sat beside her mother.

"Mother… I want to apologise for earlier. I didn't mean to ignore you its just… there's a lot of things going on now…"

"Sora, why can't we have what we once had? That special relationship between us has just… gone." Sora looked at her mother in shock, not having realised the older woman had noticed the difference between them. Toshiko turned to her daughter and hugged her tightly, missing the closeness they had lost.

"Mom…" Sora returned the hug, but felt immediately guilty that she could have this, trust, this, bond with her mother when Yamato had nothing. She pulled away from the contact and her mother frowned.

"Sora… what's wrong."

"Oh mom… I can't tell you."

"Why's that? If something's wrong you can always tell me."

"I can't" the girl said fiercely, shaking her head. "It's not even to do with me. Just my friends."

"If you say so, but don't forget I'm here if you need me."

_&&&&&&_

"I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT!"

SLAP! Yamato's head was jerked to the side, but he let no emotion show on his face.

_Just keep calm. He'll stop… eventually. Oh gods let this be over fast._

He prayed silently as blow after blow landed on his already bruised body. A scream was torn from his lips as a fist connected with his right shoulder, slamming into the injury Tai had leaned on. His vision swam and he gasped for breath, only to have the air knocked out of him again. Pain. That word best described his life now; he wished intensely that he had told someone other than Tai. Mimi said she believed him, why hadn't he told her?

_Because you don't have the guts to trust them. Your pathetic, you don't deserve to live._

* * *

A/N: Cruel me! Poor sweet Yama! MMMMMWWWWWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyhoo, right the title for this chapter describes Matt, Izzy, Tai Mimi and Sora. Now if anyone can guess which word applies to which character I will write him or her a gift ficcy to his or her specifications, Ok? The words (which are NOT in any order what so ever) are: Listener, Watcher, Dreamer, Encourager, Sufferer. REVIEW PLEASE!


	5. This is what he's made of me

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, LIVE WITH IT!

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, SM (Self-Mutilation), Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, and all round Nastiness caused by the hyperactive author.

A/N: This chapter is all glorious Yama angst, and I mean ANGST! I'm gonna be mean and not tell you the answers to the question I set at the end of the last chapter until, well… later. But no worries I will tell you, eventually. Yama's whole speech thingy is my monologue for my drama exam on Tuesday so, if anyone would like to comment on that… :Bats eyelids and gives puppy dog eyes:

Replies to reviews:

_mar: Sorry if this update's a load of shit but I'm so depressed I'm finding everything funny, but that's probably 'cause I'm hyper, anyway. I can't tell you what's gonna happen to Yama because that would spoil the fun of thinking up ways to torture the characters. (duh) sorry! The sugar makes me REALLY sarcastic:(_

_InfynitiStar: Sounds like your friend's ummm… interesting? Well she doesn't sound half as bad as some of mine, believe me! I take it you got a good report if your friend's jealous of it? Anyways… now I've got friend troubles. Anyhoo, you're welcome! I like doing nice things for reviewers, well anyone, despite what my friends will tell you…_

_Ice Princess Xia: I know! (well duh!) SORRY! I'm depressed and hyper so that equals total sarcasm mode! I'm not gonna tell anyone who Listener, Watcher, Dreamer, Encourager, and Sufferer are yet, because I want to see if anyone will have another guess at them when they know more, ya see?_

_Mikin Ishida: Hello! Unpredictable? Tai, NEVER! (SUGAR AND DEPRESSION MAKE ME VERY SARCASTIC) you'll have to wait to find out the word-character thing, ok?_

_Clear Black Glass: Don't worry I will tell you the answers just not now, ok? Well I don't know if Yama will have it that tough for the WHOLE story but at the rate I'm going probably most of it!_

_nEo: Bad lazy nEo! Who were you talking to? Someone special, has nEo got a boyfriend? TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME! Please? _

_Shi: I'm why to lazy to type out your full pen name tonight. Anyway… you're still dancing! If only you knew… MWWWWWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You sadistic, hello! Have you SEEN what I write? This is more, slightly… extremely odd, even for me!_

_LonelyWalker: :Points finger dramatically and turns up volume on stereo: You like Nightwish too! (sorry I had a look at your profile and saw that you like Nightwish) I as far as I know there's only three people on this site who like Nightwish, you, me and Gwestial! Sorry, that has nothing to do with me, this story or your review but, hey! I know, you just can't help but be mean to your fav characters. BTW I'm now listening to 10th man down, which really fits in with this ficcy, so if you want to listen to music that goes with this…_

_jul: next crappy chapter coming right up. Uck… I'm so depressed._

_Largo-sensei: Not gonna guess Mimi then? Next chapter below!_

_Gwestial: you didn't guess Mimi either, you know? You do people keep missing her? Anyhoo… never fear Chapter 5 is here!_

_ interesting name… you're good at the guessing what's going on thing you know (no, that was not sarcasm!)_

_pixiegirl100: Yeah! Someone else put this story on their favs list! WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO! Thank you, thank you! Yeah :Party streamers fall from the ceiling and Tami dances in a circle: Oh dear god! Look what the sugar has done to me! _

This is what he's made of me.

Yamato curled up into a foetal position, his whole body shaking with violent sobs. But even this movement hurt so badly that he felt faint again. Squeezing his eyes shut the boy could almost believe he was dead, but again pain rocked through him sending Matt back to reality. He was so ashamed of himself for never fighting back, but he just couldn't do it. He felt betrayed, like a knife had been slammed into his heart and twisted. The sickly sweet smell of blood lingered in the room, like a cloying perfume. Mixed with the sent of stale beer and old smoke it made the young blonde feel ill. His body shuddered violently again, this time from the creeping cold. He hated this so much, this weakness, this flaw in his icy armour. That with a simple word his father could break down shields of indifference that had taken years to build. But these walls had taken even longer to be breached by his friends, and now with a speed and strength of purpose that surprised even him they were flying back up again. Yamato was cutting himself away from his friends in the hopes that they wouldn't notice anything was wrong with him. But they did notice, at every opportunity they would question him about his father and where he got the bruises that now covered his whole body. It hurt him that they wouldn't listen to him when he asked them to stop with the questions.

But the situation with Tai was the worst, the brunette hadn't even spoken to his friend since the night Yamato had run away. Tai avoided his best friend, in classes they had to be in together they would sit on opposite sides of the room, usually ending up with their friends having to choose between them. And with Matt being so bad tempered they often chose Tai instead. Just another knife inside his already bleeding heart.

_Why not just kill me now? It would be better than dieing like this, alone and abused._ It was stupid, all this talk of death when he knew he could never have the courage to go through with it. Glancing down Yamato caught sight of his arms, underneath all those bruises and dried blood were the scars. 13 long deep scars, made by him, to equal out the pain He gave Matt. Fresh tears rolled down ivory white skin, washing away a little of the old blood, Yamato felt like he was drowning in all the tears he had shed in the past few weeks.

Pulling himself up with shaking arms the blonde stretched out his stiff limbs and padded silently to the bathroom. Every muscle in his body hurt, hurt so much. A deep soul aching agony, burning its way into his memory. The warm water brought some relief to his sore body, but soon he had to leave the shower because he was in danger of falling asleep in the water.

_&&&&&&_

It took all of his threadbare bravery to knock on the door. But when it opened to reveal the familiar figure he felt… it was odd he didn't feel anything, at least nothing different. But then again that was why he was here. Yamato followed his friend through the deserted apartment, into the small bedroom. The blonde only caught a few words of his friend's one-sided conversation; parents away, house to self; homework to do, don't mind? Shaking his head he perched on the end of the bed, watching his friend as the other boy settled back into the computer chair. Lying on his bed he curled up facing the wall, thinking he would be silent and just take the time away from that place to recover some of his icy façade he shocked himself when his voice filled the near silent room.

_This is what He's made of me. This is what I've become. This shadow, this shell, this poor mockery of what I once was. I've become nothing but a toy, to be thrown around when it's unwanted. It hurts, deep inside to know that my father hates me, and only has me because he lost the court battle for my brother. I was never wanted, I see it in his eyes, and they say 'I hate you, I wish you were dead.' I want so badly to die. Just to stop, not to feel any more, well at least not to feel what he does to me. I want to feel that I have control of my life, that's why it started, the cutting that is. I be honest I have no idea why I'm telling you this, its not like you'll care, or even listen for that matter. But then someone will know and I won't be alone any more, then again there's nothing you can do, there's nothing anyone can do. God I'm so self-pitying it's pathetic. I'm so weak, I don't deserve to live. And I wish, I wish I was dead, if that is what it takes to make it stop. But I don't have the courage to cut that deep; I don't have the guts to fight back. It's my father for gods' shakes, what am I supposed to do? I'm just rambling now. Fuck I wish I could stop, just stop. Stop everything. Stop thinking. Stop talking. Stop feeling. Stop breathing. Stop being. Stop. But I'm too useless to do anything to help myself, and I'm too stubborn to ask for help. I'm so stupid! You're not even listening, are you? I thought not. You never do, too wrapped up in what ever it is you're doing on your stupid computer. Too wrapped up in believing that bad things never happen to good people. But than again I'm not a good person. I've lied to my friends; hurt them, even betrayed them all because I'm too proud to say I was wrong. _

_It haunts me you know, the fact I screamed at him to stop. But it hurt so much. Can you understand that? It was just so wrong. I feel so violated, so used. I cried, screamed, begged, anything to make it stop, but he took no notice of me. Oh gods… it was so immoral, and that night was the first time it happened, and then he did it again, and again and again. and I wept. I couldn't take it. I didn't know what to do, my best friend didn't believe me, he sent me back and I got hurt. I got hurt because I trusted him. But you… you're different, you don't listen in the first place. You've never taken any notice of anything around you, and for that I'm thankful._

_Fuck… look at me, I'm such a mess. I'm crying, crying like a fucking baby. I'm so pathetic. I feel so ashamed that I can let him get to me like this, it just means he's won. But what he's done to me… what he's still doing to me… what he will do to me… I'm scared, scared of what he'd do to me if he ever found out I'd told you, I can't believe I'm telling you this. why should you know? It had nothing to do with you, its my problem, not yours. But… I just needed to say something, anything to someone, just so I wouldn't be alone._

_But I know this knowledge will kill you, slowly eating you from the inside, because you know there's nothing you can do to help me. And I wish I hadn't given you this burden now. You're my friend, I should put you through this, but… I don't know. I'm confused; I don't know what to do anymore. My whole life is ruined because of him; I'm just a shell now. A shadow. This is what he's made of me._

* * *

A/N: I'm really depressed right now, for reasons I'd rather not go into, so I'm very sorry for any crappiness in this chapter and hope to make it up to you guys in the next one, sorry. 


	6. Shoulder to cry on

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, LIVE WITH IT!

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, SM (Self-Mutilation), Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, and all round Nastiness caused by the hyperactive author.

A/N: Thank you all so much for sending 'I hope you feel better' reviews it means a lot to me that there are people out there you care. Uck… I've gone all soppy! EWWWW!

Replies to reviews:

_Mikin Ishida: I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter. And thanks, I'm not actually feeling any better, but I will get over it eventually. _

_pixiegirl100: I'll probably tell you in the next few chapters so don't worry! _

_DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: Don't worry Tai will work out that he's being an idiot… eventually!_

_Largo-sensei: Thanks! Luckily I don't tend to do anything but write Yama angst when I get depressed, though I know a few people who do stuff they'd rather not be reminded of._

_Ice Princess Xia: I know things will get better, just everything at the moment everything's kinda… well you know… Anyhoo. Thanks for the support! _

_Clear Black Glass: Yep! All the italic stuff is my monologue and yes I have to remember it all by Tuesday and perform it. : Takes milk and cookies: yes I do like milk and cookies, thanks! and I specialise in weirdness! So… that's where the chapter came from!_

_Hirui Sye: Thanks! If I ever need someone to talk to I'll remember that! Cheers! But at the moment I'm coping so… yeah. Anyway… don't panic I'm not writing from experience! But I do know a lot of people who have been through this so I tend to draw on their thoughts about it, but this time it was all fictional._

_BreatheMeDeep: :Dances: Yeah you added this story to your favs list! I'm a big fan of your ficcy _Defy Stereotypes_ so it was really great to see your name on my review page! That's my favourite bit too! I had to have _something_ funny in here otherwise everyone feels kinda weighed down by the angst! And I'm just rambling now aren't I? I just stop talking then… yeah…_

_nEo: TELL ME MORE:Glares at nEo in hope of mind controlling powers: oh well… you're right about the angsty stuff, the depressing mood spawned the whole Yama speech thingy…_

_Shi: :Pours chapter into the big blow labelled 'fanfic': Yes I am 15 and my profile is true, mostly cause I'm too lazy to think of interesting lies to put on it! If you think YOU'RE sadistic you haven't seen half the stuff I write, in one story (Not published) one of the main characters has been held prisoner since he was five, endured torture everyday of his life, physical, mental and sexual, but he can't die because his captors are sorcerers and bring him back from death each time! And you think you're sadistic? Oh yes and I here by give you permission to dance! Happy now?_

Shoulder to cry on

"It haunts me you know, the fact I screamed at him to stop. But it hurt so much. Can you understand that? It was just so wrong. I feel so violated, so used. I cried, screamed, begged, anything to make it stop, but he took no notice of me. Oh gods… it was so immoral,"

Koushiro froze, staring at the bright white screen.

"Fuck… look at me, I'm such a mess. I'm crying, crying like a fucking baby."

Yamato's voice waved as he began to cry. Turning to look at his friend the redhead watched as the blonde's shoulders shook and he curled up around himself. Dark eyes widened in horror as Koushiro sat silently and listened to Matt's voice as it filled his empty apartment. For once he was glad his parents were away again, as his mother would fuss over Yamato while his father would get all protective. And that would without a doubt stop the blonde from pouring out his pent up feelings.

"My whole life is ruined because of him; I'm just a shell now. A shadow. This is what he's made of me."

As a despairing sob racked through the slender form, Izzy got up from his computer chair silently and sat beside Yamato on the bed. He looked down at the older boy, his eyes were closed but the tears still ran down his pale face. Blonde hair lay haphazardly over his face and the blue covers, Yamato's gloved hands were clasped in front of him but still they trembled. With his knees drawn up to his chest and the small pitiful sounds of weeping Yamato looked so vulnerable, and that terrified Koushiro. Matt had always been the strong one, the ice-cold rebel of the group, and here he was crying his eyes out in fear and misery. Izzy didn't know how to deal with this, Mimi and Sora could cope with this not him.

_I know that Tai said he'd seen Matt cry, but I never thought he'd feel relaxed enough around me to let go of his emotions. But then again from what he's told me perhaps Matt's view of who he can and cannot trust has been changed? Or perhaps he just doesn't care anymore._ Now that was a scary thought.

Koushiro could see dark black and blue bruises just showing above the collar line of the blonde's black shirt. Several dark stains on the back of said shirt looked suspiciously like blood. In other places the fabric had been torn and where Yamato's skin showed through it was bruised and bloody.

_At first I thought that perhaps Tai had been mistaken about what Matt had told him, but over these past few weeks I've noticed that Matt has started to withdraw into himself, and I'm not the only one who's noticed, Sora has too. _

Still unsure of how to deal with a crying Yamato Koushiro let his instincts take over. Resting a hand on Yamato's shoulder he let his palm travel down to the blonde's hand. Slender gloved fingers entwined in Koushiro's, seeking any comfort from the all-consuming misery he felt.

_&&&&&&_

"Ken… can I talk to you?"

"Of course. What's bothering you."

"Huh, that obvious then?"

"Not really. Just me, I spend a lot of time watching people, I tend to notice when something's wrong."

"Oh…" a silence drifted between the two friends as they sat together on the beach. The sun shone in a bright blue sky but a cold wind whipped the water into fantastic shapes, only for them to fly upwards as the waves smashed against the shore. In the distance a few black clouds were gathering, out across the sea a storm was brewing. A few warning rumbles of thunder could be heard over the sound of the ocean. Behind the two kids they could hear Gatomon trying to persuade Veemon that thunderstorms weren't scary, while Kari was trying to persuade Daisuke that they weren't ever going to become a couple.

"Will you tell me what's wrong?" the indigo haired teen asked quietly, still staring out to sea. His companion took a shaky breath, hugging their knees and resting their chin on them. The wind caught their hair and whipped it back around them, as it sculpted the damp sand into strange images that shifted near constantly.

"… I don't know where to start." A hand rubbed at weary eyes, a half sigh, half whimper. Ken turned to look at his friend, the other Digidestined was looking back out to sea, lost in thought.

"Try starting with the most resent problem and working from there." Ken waited patiently for his friend to continue. He knew that whatever it was must be a huge problem because they were usually so open. A bolt of lightning shot down into the water right in front of them.

"Kari, save me!" Davis screamed from behind them, Veemon gave a startled shout and they could hear the others laughing, but the two of them remained silent as thunder boomed out across the water.

"I'm… in love…" Ken smiled at his friend. Now this was interesting… who could it be?

"Well…?" they paused again and the indigo haired boy looked out over the roiling ocean, barely blinking as lightning hit the water again.

"KARI!" Daisuke wailed somewhere behind them, and a small smile tugged at the corners of the love-struck Digidestined.

"Yes… I'm in love…" they gave a lopsided grin, but their face fell and they let out another miserable sigh. "With…"

Thunder roared drowning out the end of the sentence. A hissing sound filled their ears as the clouds released their watery burden in one sheet.

"KEN! We're leaving!" Hawkmon called behind them. The bird like Digimon had obviously not seen his companion. Ken stood and offered a hand to his friend who smiled sadly before letting the other teen pull them up.

"Thanks…" Ken let a smile twitch the corners of his mouth at the other person's trust in him. He'd never felt truly accepted by the others; after all he had been the Kaiser and committed horrible crimes. It was reassuring to know that at least someone trusted him.

"You know, you never did tell me who you like." He reminded softly as they trudged back up the sandy hill to the Digi-port. A slight blush infused the other's cheeks at the question, and they glanced at Ken who smiled at them.

"It's… oh gods I can't believe I'm telling you this!" they trailed off again, just making Ken feel more relaxed, well at least he wasn't the only one who had problems with words.

"Just come right out and say it. I promise I won't tell."

"Ok… ok… it's Davis."

_&&&&&&_

Yamato curled up into a tighter ball, wishing that Koushiro would leave him alone, but then again the other half of him wished that the redhead would stay. He was tired beyond belief, every part of his body ached in some way, especially his back. His father had sliced ever-decreasing circles into the skin of the blonde's back, with a very sharp knife. Bruises overlaid on top of those cuts along with the injury on his right shoulder, joined to become a deep agonising pain.

"Matt, I don't know for sure what's happened to you, but if you ever need a shoulder to cry on…" Koushiro found his arms full as Yamato turned to him and burst into fresh tears. The redhead rested one hand on Yamato's left shoulder, the only part of him that seem to be uninjured, while his other hand still head onto the blonde's own.

_I still don't fully comprehend everything that's happened to him, but whatever this event was, it's distressed him deeply. Despite the fact he told me nearly everything, he still avoided that subject, it must have been very traumatic, and I don't understand what could affect him this badly. But what did he say about cutting?_ Izzy glanced down at Yamato's arm, which was curled around his shoulders, long gashes, both resent and old marred the pale skin. He had to know.

"Matt… did you make those marks on your arms?"

"…yeah…" came the whispered reply.

_What could drive a person to do that to himself? I know that if I was being hurt I wouldn't want to put myself through more pain. But the reasons Matt gave were very… thought provoking. Listening to him talk about suicide was terrifying to say the least, again I have to wonder what he's going through to make him feel like that… but then again I'm not sure I want that knowledge. Knowledge, it's ironic that I don't want to know something. And yet I understand how he feels about letting someone else know how you're feeling, I wish there was someone I trusted enough to tell my secret to… _

"Do you hate me?" Koushiro blinked and looked down into Yamato's incredibly blue eyes.

_How can he ask such a question?_

"Hate you…?" the blonde nodded, not meeting those obsidian eyes. "Why would I hate you?" he queried, his trademark curiosity taking over once more.

"Because I'm pathetic… because I'm weak…"

"Pathetic? Weak? Only if you believe those things, Matt. I don't consider you either of those things; you are the strongest person I know. And I respect you and admire the fact that sometimes you aren't afraid to let other people know your opinions, or let them know what you're feeling."

"Really?" came the disbelieving reply.

"Of course."

"Thanks…" Yamato sniffed and pulled away from his friend, who smiled. "You're a great friend, and I should know." They laughed, and Koushiro felt a little of his worries lift… perhaps he could trust Yamato with his secret?

"Sometimes it's easier to share Knowledge than it is to keep it." Izzy added causing the blonde to start laughing again.

_If only I would follow my own advice._

"Sorry about stopping you from doing your homework."

"Nah… finished already!" Yamato's stomach rumbled and he blushed furiously. Koushiro chuckled again and sitting back in his computer chair wheeled himself over to the phone.

"Want to get some pizza?" with his mother way he was stuffed food wise as the redhead couldn't cook to save his life, so living on Chinese and Indian got kinda boring and he couldn't eat a whole pizza by himself, unlike Taichi, who could eat two. 1

"Yeah…" when Izzy turned around to ask what kind of pizza Yamato wanted the blonde had passed out on the bed.

* * *

A/N: 1 Like me as well, once I ate two pizzas, a large portion of chips and three blows of ice cream, and I still only weigh 5 stone, that's about 25 kg. But you didn't need to know that did you?

Well I'm working from half 7 in the morning till 9-ish in the evening tomorrow so I won't be able to start the next chapter, let alone update till Monday. If you can't tell I didn't know when or how to end this chapter, and don't worry Tai will be making an appearance soon.

Right I'm gonna set another guess-the-whatever thing now. Sooooooooooo who do you think told Ken they like Davis? And I will tell you the answer in the next chapter, PROMISE! Tami!


	7. The Voices in our heads

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, GET OVER IT PEOPLE!

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, SM (Self-Mutilation), Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, and all round Nastiness caused by the hyperactive author.

A/N: This chappy is really full of Yama and Tai angst and had some quite graphic rape, if you don't like that sorta stuff then leave, and don't flame 'cause I don't want to be more depressed than I already am. Ok?

The answer to who was talking to Ken is in the actual story, and you don't have to look too hard to find it. After all it is practically staring you in the face!

Quote of the day: I used to hear voices; until I shot my teachers.

Replies to reviews:

_Pyntee: Don't worry, like I said you'll find out whether or not you're right later in the chapter. Yes, I like that idea, Matt having a flashback! Thanks for the idea!_

_Mikin Ishida: yeah, I like seeing those two together, but not couple wise, just as really close friends. Wow, that was really the first time you read anything with those two like that? Wow…_

_Clear Black Glass: Yeah Hawkmon is Miyako's Digimon, but I can't tell you who was talking to Ken, yet. I do tell you in the chapter though._

_InfynitiStar: I'm still kinda depressed and my friend problems are still there but I'm pretty sure we'll work things out soon . I'm glad that all your friend problems are over, hopefully. Yep! I'm from England; on the south coast about 2 minutes walk from the beach! I looked it up especially for you; 25 kg is about 55 lbs. You're not a bad reviewer, I like it when you go on for ages! If you think quoting commercials is bad, I know someone who can sing every one, and they know all the words, and the backing song, well they can sing them and say what commercial they're in! And believe me, if I can cope with going to school with my friends you certainly aren't gonna drive me insane. _

_pixiegirl100: I don't think there's any danger of missing this chapter, seeing as you haven't missed a chapter since you started reviewing! I'm desperately trying to remember why I put the thing with Ken in here, put never fear I will remember! Eventually._

_BreatheMeDeep: :Points accusing finger: you're not Updating! I say! Update! Well it's defiantly not Matt, and I have other plans for Tai! MMMWWWWWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HEHE !_

_Gwestial: Morning! Sorry, but this chapter's taken me some time to type, well actually come up with ideas for, but hey, here it is. and I agree school is hell, especially when you leave me alone in maths:Glares: and then Kelly came and sat next to me! Oh the horror! You know Kelly and me had that huge argument in German on Thursday, now everyone says's that she hit me, or that I hit her! It's not true I say! Not true! And I have no idea why I said that…_

_Shi: :Backs away in fear: okay… please stop, you win, you're more sadistic! You are so greedy, you weren't supposed to devour all the ficcy that quickly. :Pours yet another chapter into the 'fanfic' bowl: now don't forget to save some this time! Oh and something you said in your review gave me a really great (or so I think) idea for this ficcy!_

_nEo: I'm way too lazy to type full pen names to night. Tisk! You should notice me! I tend to drink things out of pint glasses, beer, lemonade, water, milkshakes, coffee, hot chocolate, etc._

_Hirui Sye: Hello! You'll find out later in the chappy who likes Davis. I'm glad you're concerned about me and stuff, it's really nice when people care, even if they don't know you, thanks! _

_Largo-sensei: I do have a tendency to yell… at my friends… and my enemies… and my teachers… and to throw things… at anything stupid enough to not get out of my way. But my friends have learned to stay out of my way… my teachers haven't. who says you fail? I've read 'Blondes are better in bed' which BTW you really need to update! And soofytaitious? WTF does that mean? please tell me_

_DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: Hello, oh I'm sooooooooooo totally hyper! See ya in the next review… hint, hint! And thanks for reviewing all my one-shot things! I loves you:glomp:_

The Voices in our heads

_I hear a Voice that no one else does. A Voice that laughs and weeps. A Voice that screams and mocks. A Voice that never stops. A Voice that is my own. A Voice that torments me, reminding me of what has happened. A Voice that is killing me with its words._

_&&&&&_

It was a stupid thing to do. He never should have done it, he knew that now, why couldn't he have worked it out _then?_ Well, he had always been prone to open his mouth and say something stupid.

_Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, stupid._ He chanted to himself. With a despairing groan the boy buried his head in the pillows and tried to muffle his near hysterical sobs. Why? Why did it have to happen to him? In his minds eye he could see the disgusted looks, the laugher mocking him, the hatred in his friends' eyes. It was all falling to pieces. He didn't have anywhere to turn now, lost. Lost in his own mind. Losing his heart to the spirited Daisuke.

Every time he heard that voice, a voice that was full of happiness and wonder, a voice that was killing him. He couldn't bear the thought of seeing the other boy's face twisted with angry and loathing.

_How long can I keep it hidden from him? I never should have told Ken anyway. What if he tells the others, and they hate me, what if Ken hates me now? I couldn't stand those accusing looks, I don't want my friends to hate me. Its just a phase I'm going through, just a phase, nothing more, nothing more, nothing more, nothing more…_his thoughts faded into silence while his bitter tears only intensified.

"Takeru, honey are you ok?" a gentle voice questioned softly.

"Fine." he replied, managing to keep the tears hidden from his mom.

_&&&&&&_

"…hurts…" he whispered softly. A few crystalline tears fell from his eyes, spilling on to the dark brown gloves that covered his hands. Why was he still here? There was nothing in this place for him, just other people's happiness. The last thing he needed. To be surrounded by what he couldn't have, this place, all these happy memories, he was scared and alone and lost. He could almost believe that this was his home, this clean bright room was his, and this quiet fearless life was his. But then he would take a breath and pain would rock through his body, an all to potent reminder of what he had been through.

…_It hurts so badly, like a fire that rages, devouring everything in its path. And there's no way for me to escape it, because I'm trapped within my walls._ Yamato stood up suddenly, then wished he hadn't because wave after wave of dizziness shot through him. But he still stood unmoving.

"What's wrong?" Koushiro questioned softly, watching his friend with a worried frown. The blonde looked at his friend with hollow eyes.

"I've have to get home,"_ my father will be home soon, and if I'm not there, if diner's not ready, if I haven't done my homework, if… then I'll be punished. _He was shaking badly and standing was becoming more and more of a trial with each passing second, how on earth was he supposed to get home in time like this?

_Gods help me, cause I'm sure gonna need it._ He took a few tentative steps towards the door, feeling his legs try to give out under him, but by shear force of will he didn't let his body give up.

"There's no way you could get yourself home in this state, and I won't let you go back there." Koushiro had wheeled his chair in front of Yamato, effectively cutting him off.

"I have to go back. You don't understand."

"You're right I don't. But I do know that you can't take much more of this Matt. It's killing you, even I can see that." Yamato locked his gaze with Koushiro, dusk blue meeting with obsidian black. He was tired, he was hungry, he was abandoned, he was beaten, he was abused, he was breaking, but he was strong, and he was still standing, and he would fight on even if forced to his knees. He was Ishida Yamato.

He was weary, he was exhausted, he was confused, he was worried, he was lonely, he was worn, but he was stubborn, he was intelligent, he would find a solution to his and his friends' problems. He was Izumi Koushiro. But he had nothing in comparison with Yamato's fire and ice and hellish will power.

"Yamato… you can't do this to yourself."

"What other choice do I have?" and that's when it hit home. Koushiro's eyes went wide and as Yamato went on. "If I stay here he'll find me. If I go somewhere else I'll have to explain all this and he'll still come for me. And Tai hates me…"

"Tai doesn't hate you Matt." The blonde's head shot up and he stared at the younger boy unbelievingly.

"Oh really." He sneered, blue eyes flashing with anger. "Then why didn't he stick with me?"

Silence, how was the redhead supposed to reply to that? He didn't know the answer, Tai hadn't even spoken to any of his friends since the whole confusing incident the night Yamato had run away. Slowly Izzy's head fell against his chest and he stood there frozen as Yamato walked passed him and out the apartment.

_&&&&&&_

Kari and her twin sister Mari sat on the couch staring vacantly at the TV as the news reporter talked about a swarm of killer bees in a remote village. Both girls looked up at the same time to watch their twin Gatomon washing their paws. Mari's Gatomon had blue and purple paws instead of the green and red of Kari's Digimon.

"What do you think Tai's doing?" Kari asked as a load thump followed by a string of curses could be heard from behind Tai's bedroom door.

"I'm not really sure I want to know." Replied her sister. Tai shouted something incoherent and something heavy was thrown at the door. Both girls raised eyebrows but said nothing as Taichi continued to rant and throw things.

_Something bad must be up, he never gets like this unless something is seriously wrong._ Mari mused as she watched the door to her brother's room. Every time something bad happened or Tai got pissed off at something he would stand in the middle of his room, scream at things and the room would become a whirlwind of flying objects. It was just the brunette's way of letting off steam. Kari was watching the door as well waiting for Taichi to stop chucking things and calm down. The noise went on for about 10 minutes or so before an eerie silence over took the apartment.

Kari looked at her sister, her sister looked back. They held eye contact for a few moments before Mari sighed and pushed herself up from the couch. Her Gatomon followed her to the older Yagami's bedroom door. Pressing her ear against the door the girl listened carefully. Silence.

_Well, he must have calmed down by now, I think its safe to open the door._

"Tai?" she queried softly.

"…go away…" the girl frowned and glanced back at Kari, it sounded like Tai was crying. Gently she pushed open the door, ready to spring back if Taichi started throwing things again.

"Tai, talk to me."

"I said: GO AWAY!" he yelled at her. The shout was followed quickly by a large textbook, which slammed the door shut. Mari jerked away from the door as it closed in her face, walking back to the couch she sat back down and stared at the TV again.

"Tai still pissed?"

"Yup."

_&&&&&&_

The blonde boy broke into a sprint as soon as his feet hit the pavement. He didn't have much time, he had to get home. Tears ran down his face, he should have stayed with Izzy, the redhead would have been able to come up with a solution, but no… Yamato had to run again, didn't he? He always ran from his problems, causing only more problems and fewer solutions, but at the time running always seemed to be the best option.

Yamato jumped up the stairs two at a time, trying to will his exhausted body into this last effort. His breathing was ragged and came in uneven gasps as he forced himself to keep running. Some of the wounds on his back had opened; Yamato could feel the hot blood trickling over his skin. When he reached his door the blonde froze as he saw that the door was already partially open.

_Oh gods no… please… I-I can't take this. Run you idiot, run! Get out of here._ Matt stood where he was as his thoughts screamed at him and his body seized up with pain and fear. But before he could make a decision the door was flung fully open and Ishida Hiroaki glared down at his son.

"Where were you?" he hissed. Yamato swallowed hard and tried to steady his voice.

"I-I was at a friend's, doing homework."

"Did I give you permission to go out?" the older man raised one eyebrow questioningly. The boy bowed his head in defeat.

_No way out boy! You've got it in for you now._ "…no…"

"I can't hear you." Hiroaki leaned close to his son, and Matt could smell the alcohol and stale smoke in his breath.

_Great, he's drunk and been smoking some shit someone gave him. _"No." Yamato took a deep breath and held himself rigged. A ruff hand closed around the fabric of his shirt and pulled him inside the smoky apartment. A crunching under his feet made him realise that the floor was covered in broken glass.

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit._ He was shoved hard, knocking him off balance and into the table. Before he could push himself up again Yamato was grabbed by his hair and pulled up and was dragged over to his father's room.

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no._ Sobs were torn from his body as he was forced to the ground; a vicious kick caught him in the ribs with a sickening crack. Yamato cried out and clutched at his side, some of his ribs had to have been broken by that kick. Another blow landed on his right shoulder and he screamed in shear agony. This was too much, how could he stand this?

"YOU WILL LEARN!" His father roared in fury. "YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!" Yamato was backhanded and his head was jerked to one side. Suddenly in control once more Hiroaki let a slow, sadistic smirk spread across his face. Yamato looked up with sorrowful blue eyes, pleading silently for mercy.

"Take your clothes off boy." His heart beat faster and faster.

_Get out! Get out! I can't do this. I can't let him use me like this! get out!_ With a speed that took the other man by surprise Yamato darted for the door, but reaching for the handle his hopes crashed down around him.

The door was… locked. Cruel mocking laughter echoed around the small room as the older man stood unmoving in the middle of the room. The blonde raced to the window but strong hands wrapped around his waist and pined his arms to his side. Yamato fought as hard as he could, but physical and mental fatigue had taken their toll. But still he struggled.

"I love it when you're feisty." Hiroaki growled in his son's ear. His hand crept down Yamato's back and past the waistband of his jeans. The older man traced the tip of his finger around Yamato's entrance then shoved it inside. The boy gasped and a few more tears leaked down his face. He was still fighting, but he was so drained, so tired, he didn't have any reserves left to burn. With the pain from those new injuries on top of the older ones it was taking all his energy just to stay awake.

He father kicked his knees out from under the blonde boy, forcing him to the floor. A strong hand was pressed to the centre of Yamato's back pushing him flat on the cold floor. Tears coursed down his pale face and his breathing hitched with the sobs that racked his body. There was an ominous click as his hands were cuffed together.

"You have to learn boy." His father said matter-of-factly as he pulled down Yamato's jeans and boxers. The teen brought his foot up behind him, slamming it into the side of his father's face. Getting his hands underneath his body Yamato launched himself to his feet but Hiroaki hadn't been stunned at all only shocked that the boy had actually fought back. The older man tackled his son to the ground pinning the boy under his weight, Yamato screamed as the pressure bore down on his bruised and bloody back, and forced his own body to rest on the side with his newly broken ribs.

This was too much, his head was swimming, he was losing himself, gonna blackout from the pain. He heard the rustle of clothing as his father striped, strong hands forced his legs apart, and the kicks he aimed at the other only flew wide or were too weak to have an effect. He felt sick as his father pushed three fingers one after another into his entrance, he whimpered and tried to stifle the small sound as those fingers began to pump inside of him.

_Oh gods… please let this be over… why? Why does he do this to me? I-I don't understand it. Please, please let this be over… let this be done… let me die._

He screamed in pain and terror as his father entered him with one swift stroke. Yamato could feel the man pumping in and out of his body, the pain escalating with every thrust. Every inch of his body hurt, he prayed to what ever god might be listening that it would all be over fast, that his father would finish and leave him there to die in whatever peace that was left to him. Another scream was torn from his lips and his slender frame shook with his violent sobs. It seemed like an eternity before Hiroaki came, Yamato could feel it inside of him. The weight was lifted from his back and he just lay on the cold floor, silent apart from the pitiful whimpering that escaped his lips.

_&&&&&&_

Taichi stared at the floor, russet eyes sore from all the tears he had shed. How could he have been so stupid… so insensitive… so heartless? Yamato had needed him, had come to him, and Tai had betrayed him… betrayed, handed the blonde over to that ruthless monster. Matt had trusted Tai and the brunette had simply stood by and done nothing as the other boy was sold back into his personal hell. He just couldn't take in everything Koushiro had told him, everything Matt had said, about cutting himself, about his father, about Tai, about suicide. Taichi blinked away new tears before staring back at the floor, in his hand he held the now silent phone, wondering if there was any hope that Yamato might suddenly call, so Tai could apologise for all the stupid things he said and did. But that was wishful thinking, after everything he had done why would Matt call him?

Tai sighed again, he need to talk to Yamato, just to hear that silky voice that taunted him in his mind, but no one knew how to get in touch with the blue eyed boy, no one knew where he lived, what his phone number was, no one even had his e-mail address. It was frustrating, and terrifying… what if something happened to Matt, they had no way of getting in contact with him. Taichi stood up shakily, he needed space, time to think, he needed Koushiro's apartment.

_&&&&&&_

"Boy, are you listening?" Yamato nodded, to tired to be stubborn.

"…yes…" he replied, eyes never leaving his tormenter's face.

"Good, I have a proposal to make. You must do anything I ask you. And I mean anything, like suck me off if I say so, let me fuck you, let my friends fuck you." Yamato went pale, and then shook with fury.

_Oh yes, I'm really going to do that aren't I?_

"And if you don't." Hiroaki said, noticing the disobedient glint in the boy's gaze. "I will hunt down all your precious friends and give them a taste of what you're going through, do I make myself clear?" Matt bowed his head and sobbed in defeat, he wanted to say no, but he would never, never make his friends go through that, scrap that make ANYONE go through that. He had to do this, for his friends, or Taichi…

"…ok…" he whispered brokenly. "…just don't… hurt my… friends."

"Deal." Hiroaki began to laugh, a mechanical, false sound that rang harshly in Yamato's ears. A voice that haunted his nightmares, Yamato didn't have dreams anymore, they all became nightmares.

* * *

A/N: Am I cruel or what? Poor sweet Yama, what will I do to make your life even more of a living hell? And next chappy Yama goes to school and the other characters are coming back! Ummm… I don't know if that's a good thing, could someone tell me? Pretty please, with lots of Yamas on top, Hummm… more than one Yama… 


	8. The beginnings of the rift

Disclaimer: I offered them £2 but they didn't take it, so it's still not mine.

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, SM (Self-Mutilation), Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, and all round Nastiness caused by the hyperactive author.

A/N: Ummm… I can't think of anything to say! Um… the other characters are back! And Yama's in school. That's it I think… yup, that's it.

Quote of the day: Students are strange creatures; they love to have their music up so loud your ears ring for the next 8 hours. But when you cough in a library full of them, they will try and kill you.

Replies to reviews:

_Clear Black Glass: :Hands out tissues: There, there, Yama's… well Yama's as ok as can be expected, but now we're gonna hit angst central. And YEA:Dances: you love my stuff, YEA!_

_InfynitiStar: Poor Yama, I've been told that if I take antidepressants I'm likely to use them to over dose myself into suicide, the faith my friends and doctors have in me is inspiring isn't it? I would talk to/send letters to my friends but they live really far away, but I'm going up to see them in the summer holidays, one day left! YES! CONGRATULATIONS:Paper streamers, balloons etc fall from the ceiling: Yup! You guessed correctly! It was TK! Sweet!_

_Natchi: YEAH! A brand new reviewer! Hello, welcome to the insane world of my review replies, maybe you'll review again so I can say something interesting? _

_DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: Yeah, poor Yama, I'm really not kind to him am I? Anyhoo something good, Hummm… at this rate I can't think of anything nice that could happen to him, any ideas?_

_Mikin Ishida: I don't know how to fix him! Maybe Tai might help, but then again it is Tai…_

_BreatheMeDeep:Hands out more tissues: don't cry, at least Yama isn't dead, though he wishes he was. Is this update soon enough for you? And that is sooooo not a reason; you are just being lazy. On behalf of all your readers update! Otherwise I'll poke you:Glares and holds out a finger threatenly:_

_wait a minute, who said that it would end up Daikeru? I certainly didn't. I know, Yama's such a protective person and he really doesn't care about himself anymore, so if he can do anything to help his friends… And Koushiro is a very closed person, he doesn't like to interfere with other people, and if you were in that situation, what would you do? And no worries there will be some Taito coming up soon, but seeing as Tai doesn't know he has feelings for Yama yet, that could be a little later than I hoped. Wow that was a long reply!_

_Gemmal: HEY YA! Don't worry you will get to see Tai in this chappy, although things are exactly… pleasant for him. (Oh you have no idea how much I wanted to hit her…)_

_BTW I've already stuck you on my author alerts list, so hopefully I should be the first to review anything you write, well that's the theory anyway!_

_I'm writing you a whole new ficcy instead of just one-shots! Please read and review it, pretty please? It's called The Rising Tide._

_and you said you were gonna post your first Taitoyesterday! where is it?_

_Ice Princess Xia: Hey! I haven't seen you recently, where you been? Anyway, thanks for reviewing! In order for Yama to get out of that situation I have to come up with an idea of how. Hummm…_

_nEo: I wrote that quote (hey that rhymes) on my arm and made all my ugly, annoying teachers read it! And I have no idea how Yama is still alive after all this!_

_nessy2008: Hello! Yeah a new reviewer! Woohoo! I have no idea how long Yama will be tortured for and I'm sorry I made you feel bad, here have some chocolate :Hands out chocolate: feel better now? Don't cut yourself off, where's the fun in that, you don't get to traumatise innocent characters._

_jul: I had loads of ideas for this chapter but didn't know how to put them onto the screen so it's taken me a little longer than I thought to write this, sorry!_

_Shi: Hi! You won cause I don't think murder is an art and I think you're kinda twisted to think so, ok? And no I don't want to read it! (Sorry but I've just lost a few people who were close to me and then I saw your review… you get the idea)_

_:Pours yet another chapter into the bowl: GREEDY! What did I tell you, save some for later!_

_Xubose: SOD OFF YOU IGNORANT FUCKWIT! YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT THESE THINGS SO DON'T CRITICISE WHAT YOU'RE TO THICK TO UNDERSTAND! IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY STORY WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU STILL READING IT! GET A LIFE! And have a nice day…_

The beginnings of the rift 

Sora found him first. The auburn haired girl saw him leaning against his locker, arms hanging loosely by his side. His usually immaculate hair was tangled and knotted, his face was bruised and swelling half closed his right eye. Sora hurried to his side; gently she placed a hand on his shoulder. He gasped and jerked away panting heavily.

"Matt?" she asked in shock, the blonde boy met her eyes, his gaze hollow, then he bowed his head and walked away from her. She frowned and caught up with him. The two of them walked in silence through the deserted halls. No one else was even at school yet, Sora always came early, she loved the eerie emptiness of the building. Yamato was always in school early because he left home as soon as he could in the mornings, and with a lack of other places to go, he came to school.

"Matt?" Sora tried again. He kept walking. The teenage girl gave a huffy sigh, why would her friend ignore her, why had he been ignoring everyone who tried to talk to him in the past few weeks? She hated seeing him like this, like he was when they first met, no he was worse now. Then he had at least spoken to them.

"…" She opened her mouth to say something else when he turned to her.

"Please… don't, just don't." Yamato begged, a desperate glint creeping into his azure eyes. Sora froze, here was the ice cold Matt, asking, no pleading her not to question him. She couldn't say no, how could she?

"Ok, I'm sorry for bugging you."

"It's ok, Sora." They kept walking, Sora had no set destination in mind but Yamato obviously did. He brought then outside and across the grounds to the small wooded area. Reaching a worn pathway through the trees the blonde boy sat at the bottom of a large maple. Sora watched him closely, he winced as he sat down, and instead of leaning back against the trunk curled over himself. Sora dumped her bag beside his and then sat on the dry leafy floor. Unsure of what to do or say now the girl took a deep breath and chose to fill the silence herself. Yamato was one of her closest friends, and he always kept secrets, she could trust him, couldn't she?

"Matt… can I talk to you?" the blonde raised his head shakily and watched her, a ghost of a smile tracing his lips.

"Of course." Sora smiled broadly, relieved that her friend was at least talking to her again. She sighed again, trying to gather her thoughts into something understandable.

"I-I've been having… problems with my mom." Yamato gave his friend a sympathetic look, resting his head on his knees, still watching her. "We… we fight all the time, but sometimes, after a big argument we make up and everything's ok. But the next morning it's as if we're still fighting. And I don't know what to do." She looked at him pleadingly.

"Oh Sora… I wish I knew what to say… but I've never been good with people, you know that."

_And everything's just out of my control, I can barely keep myself going for your sakes, let alone be any help to other people. I don't know why I bother anymore, why I care, why I'm still here._

"Matt. Tell me what's going on." He froze, his whole body rigged, this had been her plan all along, to get him to tell her everything. How could she do this to him? He had trusted her and she had betrayed him. Just like Tai…

"Leave me alone." Yamato said wearily.

"Matt…" Sora protested

"Just go!" he snapped cutting across her complaint. He listened, unmoving as she grabbed her books and stalked off between the trees. Then slowly, ever so slowly Yamato began to cry, clear crystalline tears slid down his pale skin, falling hot and fast onto his gloved hands. How could he be so stupid, so insensitive? If he'd just told her everything she could have told her mom and got him out of this living hell. But instead he'd kept his silence and hurt her feelings and condemned himself all in one go. How clever of him.

A great sob shook his shoulders, sending wave after wave of intense pain through his tired limbs. He felt his vision swim and screwed his eyes shut fighting to stay conscious, he had to get through this day, if he did then he knew he could make it through the next and the next, he knew if he could make this one day without breaking he could last through anything. Or so he told himself…

_&&&&&&_

"Then he just yelled at me to go. He didn't move or even look at me, just shouted: 'Just go!'"

"So what did you do Sora?" Taichi asked worriedly. The brunette paced up and down the computer lab, hands stuffed in his pockets. Occasionally he would pull out his digivice and check to see if it would pick up the signal from Matt's own device. Sora sat on one of the many chairs, staring at her hands, which were folded in her lap. Koushiro was typing furiously on his computer, Chemistry coursework. But he wasn't paying any attention to the work, which was far too easy for him anyway, he was listening to the conversation between the older teens. It was their free period, and Sora had asked Tai is she could talk to him in private about Yamato, obviously Koushiro had immediately become interested and suggested they use the computer lab.

"Well?" Tai demanded impatiently as he spun on his heal and stalked back across the room. Sora sighed softly and shifted in her chair, her eyes never leaving her hands.

"I-I left him there." A sudden silence filled the room, even Koushiro stopped typing. Taichi looked over at Sora, disbelieving.

"You just walked away and left him there? Alone? How could you Sora?" the brunette was standing a few feet away from Sora, shouting at her, his face flushed. Koushiro spun around on his chair to watch them with mild interest, all the while his mind trying to work out how Tai's reaction tied into the whole Yamato Abuse problem. "You're his friend, how could you just leave him?" Sora finally looked up her eyes brimming with tears, then those cinnamon orbs narrowed and she hissed angrily at Taichi.

"How could you stand by and do nothing when you had the chance to stop all of this when it first started? How could you betray him like that Tai? You dare yell at me because I just left him because he asked me to when you did nothing! NOTHING!" the girl was standing up now, one hand on her hip while repeatedly jabbing Taichi in the chest with a sharp fingernail at the end of each word. "You are the most thoughtless, tactless bastard I have ever met! I HATE YOU YAGAMI TAICHI!" her hand swept up and slapped Tai, the brunette gasped in shock and Koushiro's eyes had gone hugely wide, Sora tossed her head and stalked out the room hitting Taichi with her bag on the way past.

Tai stared at the door for along time, until shakily he raised a hand to his sore face and slid slowly to the floor in a crumpled heap. Neither boy said anything in the moments after Sora's unexpected outburst.

Koushiro had just spun around to face the computer screen again when a soft sound caught his attention. The quiet sound of someone crying, turning around he looked at Taichi curled up on the floor. The brunette was staring into space, one hand held over the reddening mark on his face the other hung loosely at his side, tears coursed down his tanned skin. Tai had drawn his knees up close to his body, as if trying to hide from the world.

"Tai?" Koushiro questioned, unsure as to whether Taichi knew he was there nor not. The older boy looked up at his friend, his chocolate eyes hazy.

"Izzy, I'd forgotten about you."

_Just like you always do Tai, you never become aware of anything I'm doing or saying, it's always Yamato or Kari or Sora or whoever else is with you, you never ever take notice of me. _But he said nothing, and no trace of the one-sided argument that was taking place in his head showed. Taichi had turned away and was staring back at his bit of space, completely ignoring Koushiro once again.

The redhead glared at Taichi but still he was oblivious to his friend's hostility. With a frustrated growl Koushiro launched himself out of his beloved wheelie chair and began to shout angrily at the crying brunette.

"Why do you keep ignoring me? I always get left out of whatever it is you're doing with the others! I'm always the last one to find out anything! You never trust me with any of your secrets. You never trust me to do something for you; the only time you ever talk to me is when you think I'll do your work for you. Or when you need help with a problem you're brainless to deal with yourself! Well I'm fed up with this Tai! I'm not going to stand by and let this happen to one of my friends, unlike you." Without even taking his treasured laptop the redhead stormed out of the computer lab leaving Taichi in tears on the floor.

_&&&&&&_

Yamato walked through the corridors slowly, placing each foot down carefully, trying to keep the pain jolting through him with every step to a minimum. He was exhausted and it wasn't even half way through the day yet, the blonde had no idea how he was going to stay alive at this rate. All he wanted to do was curl up in a corner somewhere and just _sleep._ He was so physically tired that he was likely to drop off in his lessons and he couldn't afford a detention when his father would be home early tonight. Yamato shuddered and tried to stop thinking about what would happen at the end of school. He hated this; always being on edge, never able to rest, always looking out for anything that could go wrong. But then again it usually did.

_I need somewhere quiet, somewhere I can just stop for a while. Somewhere I don't have to worry about things in… but the only place I know like that is Koushiro's apartment. Hang on Izzy's always in the computer lab, and no one else is. _

So with renewed purpose the blonde boy turned and headed back the way he had come, needing that space away from everyone else. He pushed open the door, expecting to find Koushiro typing away on his laptop. The redhead wasn't there, but his laptop was, expecting to find either Sora or Yolie looking after the computer, the last person he though he'd find there was Taichi, especially a Taichi in tears on the floor.

"Tai!" Yamato gasped in slight shock, he hadn't seen the brunette since he'd made the deal with his father…

"M-Matt?" Taichi sobbed, looking up at his best friend, the boy he'd betrayed. At this thought the wild haired boy buried his head in his hands to cover the renewed tears. Yamato's eyes went wide and he rushed to his friend's side, kneeling down beside the other boy the blonde draped an arm around Taichi's shaking shoulders. Immediately the brunette wrapped his arms around Matt in a hug. Yamato gasped in pain, but didn't move away even though his body was screaming at him to do so. But Tai had heard the small sound, and pulled himself away from his friend with a small sniff.

"M-Matt? What's w-wrong?" Yamato locked his gaze on the off-white floor like it had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the world; better than meeting Tai's liquid brown eyes. With extreme gentleness the darker haired boy reached out and grabbed Yamato's gloved hand in his own. The blonde boy looked up reluctantly, afraid of what he might see in Tai's eyes, fear perhaps? Loathing? Pity?

Instead of those things he saw an unnamed emotion, something to pure for words. It was unlike anything Yamato had ever come across before. But he did see pity mixed in there also, and the last thing he needed was pity.

Blue eyes full of shock suddenly went cold, and the icy façade returned, Yamato jerked his hand away from Tai's and with one last miserable look back stalked out the room. Leaving a very confused and very hurt Taichi.

"Was it something I said?"

* * *

A/N: I've been overjoyed by the response to this ficcy, until a received a flame for every chapter and got so bummed out that I nearly didn't post this, one person being an arsehole on top of all the other shit in my life made me feel even worse and yada, yada, yada. So I really hate flamers, so be a nice person and leave a nice review on your way out.

Anyhoo, now I can do the fun stuff! Tomorrow I'm going up to Tunbridge Wells, (it's in the UK) to visit some friends. There's Dai & Nai our the gay couple, Thursday just gone was their two year Life Partnership (Wedding) anniversary, and on Wednesday I'm going to America! For Sarah (Dai's sister) and Tasha's wedding! That'll be the first time I've ever gone to America, but don't worry I'll still be able to update! Tami

PS: Shameless premotion section! Read & Review Gemmal's ficcies when she starts writing them! Thanks


	9. Falling into despair

Disclaimer: I don't own it, yada, yada, yada. ( in case you haven't noticed but yada, yada, yada, has become my favourite phrase now!

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, SM (Self-Mutilation), Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, and all round Nastiness caused by the hyperactive author.

A/N: I'm in America! It's so cool here! I'm heading back to the UK on Saturday! But I don't have anything to say about the story…

Quote of the day: The more I study, the more I know. The more I know, the more I forget. The more I forget, the less I know. The less I know, the more I study. So why study?

Replies to Reviews:

_Natchi: There! I wrote more!_

_DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: Now, if I stopped Tai from getting hurt the story wouldn't be as much fun for me to write, or for you to read, would it? Is this soon enough?_

_Mikin Ishida: I'm having so much fun, it's fantastic! They even persuaded me to get my ears pierced, something I said I never do! _

_Krixel: It doesn't matter that it's been ages since you reviewed, cause I knew you'd be back! I always get sad when I'm mean to Yama, and it really bugs me sometimes that I can just go, 'Ok Yama's better now'. I kinda get mad at Tai cause he's a prat, but then again that's my fault!_

_BreatheMeDeep: I know that every author gets flamers, but seeing as everyone else liked this story I thought that it would be one of my other stories that got flamed first. Izzy is sooooo much fun to write as cause even though he's really smart he's got very good with people and gets ignored a lot._

_Ice Princess Xia: You're welcome; 'An Hour's Distance' is a good ficcy. I've stuck it on my alerts lists now, but as I'm not using my own computer, I won't know whether you've updated until they let me use the internet:Glares at gay couple whose computer this is, they stick their tongues out at me and continue their make-out session: _

_violet cleric: Thank you! That's so sweet. I have to admit I was surprised it was this one that got my first flame, but hey, one of them had to get a flame sooner or later. I just want to say to all the characters 'be nice to Yama' but then again that would probably just earn me more flames._

_Clear Black Glass: In answer to your 'couple of things you wanted to say': 1) It feels really great to be approaching 100 reviews, seeing as I've never gotten more than 50 reviews for a story before. 2) Trouble in paradise? Oh YEAH! Lots and lots of trouble! 3) If you think Koushiro was angry then just wait until later! 4) I meet 21 out of 41? What are the other 39? And what is 'the list'? _

_Don't worry I will write the watcher etc… stuff in either the next chapter or the one after, so not too long then._

_Shi: ok I'll give you that one, Tai and Yama are cute when they're in pain, and I'm beginning to find it very hard not to suddenly write in 'And Yama got saved by Tai and they lived happily ever after.' But I won't do that._

_InfynitiStar: Yeah, I know flamers are arseholes, I think by reading the response to them I gave you can kinda get that! I think you're right about the whole you have to care about something to hate it idea, that's pretty much the same thing I think. I'm in California from Thursday to today, then I'm back in New York then I'll come back to the UK on Sunday morning, and then I'm staying at my friend's house until Monday and then I'm going home!_

_I know what you mean when you say it sucks when you have a pessimistic outlook. Accept I don't know whether I'm pessimistic or not, you know the typical is the glass half empty or half full thing? Well my answer to that tends to be 'It's a sodding glass why should I give a shit?' Ya get my point?_

_:hands over tissues: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_Dancing Kitsune: Don't cry! Here:Hands over more tissues: unfortunately it may get worse, what am I saying? It _will_ get worse! Sorry if I bummed you out. I know, Yama's dad is an evil sod. The whole middle part of your review pretty much describes what I want to do, especially the bit about hugging Yama, but then again, he is cute when he cries! I'm already enjoying myself here! It's so cool being in America, seeing as the furthest I've ever been on holiday before is a day trip to Germany! _

_nEo: Here is this soon enough? I'm having so much fun over here in America! Well, apart from the couple making-out on the sofa behind me; they're all I can hear! Hey! They just threw the cushion at me! (Well sod you two then!) I can't really get mad at them though; they're my muses, my own gay couple! (And they look so like Tai and Yama, except Tai's look-alike has a flower obsession and lisps. And Yama's look-alike has very bad taste in music and he likes pink, which I HATE!) There, all done now !_

_Largo-sensei: Ok promise me you won't ever do that again! You kinda were an $$hole, as you put it! I really can't be bothered to get upset so that's why I'm not screaming my head of at you! So you got off lightly this time, but DON'T DO IT AGAIN!_

Falling into despair

No one saw Yamato for the rest of the month. He wasn't in any of his lessons, and he couldn't be found anywhere. Teachers asked any student they could where the blonde was and so by the end of the first day everyone knew that Ishida Yamato was missing. They called his home, but they got no answer. They even called his mother but she wasn't in either. When they did get hold of her she told them that Yamato wasn't her problem. Hikari spent most of her time trying to calm down an over emotional Tk; even Davis stopped teasing him. Koushiro and Sora could often be found in the computer lab, trying to discover away to find Yamato and help him. But they came no closer to determining a solution.

And then there was Taichi. The Digidestined leader sunk into complete depression so fast that it frightened the others. He never joined in conversations anymore, he stared blankly out of windows and the pile of detentions he'd earned himself steadily grew and grew but he never turned up for them. His parents were called in to school, but were told there was nothing they could do. In the space of four weeks Tai's life had fallen to pieces. All because he was convinced that this whole mess was his fault, and in the opinions of the others it was his fault.

Once again Mr and Mrs Yagami had been called into the school because of Tai's behaviour. Taichi himself was staring out the window, trying to catch a glimpse of the blonde boy he knew wouldn't be there. His dark hair flopped over his eyes but he didn't make any move to push it away. Listlessly scratching at the flaking paint Taichi listened half-heartedly as the Headmaster droned on about his 'lack of enthusiasm', his 'unwillingness to cooperate' with the teachers, his 'lack of discipline' and his failure to turn up for the countless detentions he had earned. He'd heard it all a hundred times before now. Once he would have cared that his grades where spiralling downwards. Once he would have cared that he was hated by nearly everyone in the school, including those he though were his friends. Once he would have cared that his parents were considering sending him to see a counsellor. Once he wouldn't have sliced up his arms every evening when the pain in his heart became too much. Once he wouldn't have betrayed his best friend. Once Yamato would have been there for him. Instead Taichi's one stupid mistake had cost him everything he ever cared about.

"Have you thought about sending him to therapy Mr and Mrs Yagami?" all three adults looked over at Taichi, who was still picking paint off the windowsill.

"Well… yes… we have talked it over but…" Ami's voice faded back into silence. Her husband placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and smiled warmly at her before turning back to the Head.

"We didn't feel that the situation was quite that bad."

"Oh I can assure you; it is that bad. If Taichi doesn't start to pick up on his already abysmal grades we will have to keep him back a year. The problem is, if we knew what had caused this dramatic fall in his performance then we would be able to help, but every time I question him all I get in response is that." The Head gestured at Taichi who sighed and started picking paint from another part of the window. Both older Yagami's shared puzzled looks, they hadn't been able to figure out what was the problem with their son, mostly because he threw textbooks at anyone who tried to talk to him.

Seeing this exchange between his visitors the Headmaster pushed his glasses back up his nose and rubbed at his tired eyes. The boy was becoming a real problem, not that he wasn't already a problem but after the whole fiasco with Ishida Yamato's disappearance…

"Was your son by any chance, friends with Ishida Yamato?" at the mention of the name Tai's head shot up and he stared at the Head with an interest the man hadn't seen for a long time.

"Yes. Why do you ask?" Takuma asked, as everything started to make sense.

"Well. He disappeared about a month ago, leaving no trace; no one seems to know where he's gone. Yamato's father left his job, packed up and moved out of town, neither of them been seen since." The Head replied, wondering why the two of them hadn't made the connection, then again he was wondering the same thing about himself, why hadn't he thought of this earlier? Looking back on it Taichi and Yamato were rarely seen without each other.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Ami asked her son, her voice sound exasperated and edged with anger. Taichi had turned away from them all, staring back out the window. A pit of despair deeper than ever opening in front of him: Yamato had moved. His father packed up and left, taking the blonde boy with him. Taichi felt sick. It was all his fault, everything. It had all happened because of him. Sora and Koushiro hating him, Takeru bursting into tears at the mention of his brother's name, his sisters talking in whispers behind his back, and Yamato. But the one thing that bugged Taichi most was that the last day the blonde had been seen, Tai was upset and Yamato and come over to him, despite everything Tai had done, and tried to comfort him.

"Son?" Takuma questioned, placing a hand on Tai's shoulder. But the teen didn't answer, eyes still locked on the deserted street outside. He hadn't cried a single tear; he hadn't showed any emotion but anger and despair.

_That's not about to change._ He told himself fiercely. Sometimes he wished his parents would lose their tempers at him, rather that than their efforts to be understanding; they could never understand him, ever. He stood up suddenly, sending his chair flying backwards. Without even glancing at his parents Taichi turned stiffly and walked out the room. He could hear shouting following him though he ignored what they said, but when his father started to follow him the brunette started running. He shot down the corridor pushing past anyone who happened to be in his way, behind him he could hear his father's heavy footsteps following him, but Tai didn't slow down even when he knocked over a small boy carrying a huge pile of books. A wild reckless feeling had gripped him, pushing aside all thoughts apart from one:

_Matt's gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Taken away from all his friends by his own father. Who had turned out to be the heartless, cruel bastard Matt said he was, if I'd only listened to him. And it's all my fault. I should have stuck by him, he would have done that for me. Why? Why did I have to be such a prat? Sora was right… I am a thoughtless, tactless bastard. She's right to hate me, so is Izzy. I can't believe I never went to check up on him, to apologise, what kind of friend am I? The useless kind, that's what._ Taichi spun round a corner flying past the door to the computer lab, which was empty apart from a tearful Takeru and the twins. Both girls jumped to their feet as their brother raced past followed not too closely by their father. Mari shot after the two runners calling back to her sister that she'd find out what was going on, leaving Kari to cope with Tk.

When Taichi reached the bottom of the stairs he shot strait for the entrance, his mind still repeating the same things over and over again, he was so deeply lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice Mimi, Sora and Koushiro until he ran into them.

"Tai!" Mimi shrieked, glaring at the retreating form of her friend. The brunette had knocked the bottle of red ink Koushiro was holding, so the liquid had poured down her front. Koushiro was trying to salvage the papers he'd been carrying when Tai's father rushed past them causing more ink and papers to go flying through the air. Sora shouted something after the man, brandishing her new tennis racket, which was now only a tangle of strings and wood.

"You don't suppose there's anymore Yagami's going to come flying down the stairs are there?" the girl said sarcastically, hands on hips. Just as she finished she was knocked over by Mari as the younger girl came haring down the last few steps. Calling an apology back to Sora Mari shot off down the corridor after her father and brother.

_&&&&&&_

Yamato stood shakily. His slender hands holding onto the back of the chair were white-knuckled. He tried desperately not to cry, forcing back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him. He had to remain indifferent. Had to be strong, had to be unmoved; unbreakable. But deep inside the blonde knew the truth. He couldn't go on like this, a day, a week, a month, however long it was it would be the death of him. With no way to get out he was trapped in this smoky, booze filled hellhole. Glancing at the sleeping forms on the sofa and the floor Yamato walked into his room, mindful of the glass beneath his feet.

Once inside the small room he sunk gratefully into the bed, taking the weight off his bleeding feet. It was nice to stop, to have time to think. He missed his friends with an ache almost as great as the physical pain he was going through. but most of all he missed Taichi, he need to see that smile, hear the voice that could soothe away his endless nightmares. The forbidden tears started to roll down his cheeks, washing away some of the grime from his face, small sobs racked Yamato's tried body and he curled up around himself, holding the desperate longing inside of him.

_Oh gods… why didn't I tell him, tell him how much I needed him, how much he meant to me? I-I can't take this much longer. I can't deny it anymore. One of these days they're going to kill me… and if they don't I will._

* * *

A/N: There you go knew chapter! I'm posting this really early in the morning, it's like 7 ish… I don't know there's no clock! 


	10. Black Despair, Crimson blood

Disclaimer: You've got the idea now.

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. Out into the storm, where someone found him, and took him home. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, SM (Self-Mutilation), Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, and all round Nastiness caused by the hyperactive author.

A/N: OH! And Ice Princess Xia, you are my 100th reviewer! CONGRATULATIONS! HAVE SOME MINTS AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU WANT!

Replies to reviews:

_DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: Sorry this isn't as soon as some of my other updates but I've been enjoying my holidays too much!_

_InfynitiStar: Hey you're writing a book? What's it about? I'm writing a huge fantasy epic thing, but I've got really serious writer's block so I'm writing my fanfics! You never said about living in Michigan before, but it was so fantastic, it was the best holiday I've ever had!_

_Ice Princess Xia: YOU ARE MY 100th REVIEWER! I'VE NEVER GOT MORE THAN 50 REVIEWS FOR A STORY BEFORE SO YEA! Yeah… poor Tai, poor Yama I've got loads of ideas for how to carry on with this story now but I don't know which ones would be best._

_Clear Black Glass: I thought I told you guys why I was in America? Oh well I'll tell you again. Two of my close friends are gay and they got married a few years ago, anyway… Dai (One of said gays) his sister is a lesbian and I was invited to go to her wedding as a bridesmaid! And I didn't even know this until four days before the actual wedding!_

_Natchi: There I wrote more! Here's more! MORE, MORE, MORE!_

_Mikin Ishida: Well it took a lot of persuasion for me to get my ears pierced, cause I've got a huge phobia of needles and freak out at even the thought of them… so anyway… I know, poor Tai, he is really cute! But it's fun to make him all quiet and angry!_

_BreatheMeDeep: You're right an angry Taichi is really hot, and I already feel sorry for him about what he did to Yama. Having Tai and Yama living apart from each other is really hard to do cause I keep wanting to put them back but I can't!_

_Shi: HI YA! Again you're right, having a depressed Tai is FUN! Unfortunately this is as soon as possible!_

_nEo: Seriously those two are warped anyway, versions of Tai and Yama or not! But they're still in America and I'm back in the UK! STOP POKING ME! I'm updating as fast as I can! _

_Largo-sensei: Look! Just drop it now! Cause now I know they were just jokes I can see what you mean about them being sarcastic! I agree that you were stupid though… thanks for the complement on my writing; I'm trying to make it as a professional writer so it helps to know that people think my writing is good._

_You have no idea what I've got planed for Tai and Matt, but let me tell you it is not pleasant. _

_Gwestial: Hey! I got back from America on Monday, went to Tunbridge Wells, picked up my stuff came home and on Tuesday I went down the beach and saw Leonn, he is so jealous cause I got to go to America, well more to the point, New York! So… since when have you called Matt Yammi? See ya when ever!_

_Vox: Hello! Thanks for the complement! It's good to see that this story is still getting new reviewers. _

Black despair, Crimson blood

Taichi had no idea how long he ran for, apartment blocks and other buildings rushed past in a blur, the people he passed were gone before he even realised they were there. When Tai did finally stop running there was no sign of either his father or his sister. The brunette glanced up, he was in the park. A few people watched him as he bent over and tried to catch his breath, Tai flopped down under a tree, curling over in a ball as he fought back the tears that poured down his face. It was a losing battle. Soon his whole body was shaking with the force of his slightly hysterical sobs.

How could this have happened? No… that was a stupid question, he knew why all this had happened: Himself. It all came back to that one day, and that one person. Why couldn't Tai get the image of Matt's tear stained face out of his mind? Those unbelievably blue eyes haunted his mind with their intensity, their desperation, their depth, and, he had to admit it… their beauty.

_This whole thing wouldn't have happened if I'd trusted him. He's my best friend, how… how could I have done this to him? I… I… I don't know what to do anymore! It… sometimes I just can't take it… I was an idiot to chase away the others. Maybe I can start to mend things with them, I should have stopped to apologise when I ran past them… Mimi is so going to kill me. I'll go over to Koushiro's place when school gets out._

_I don't want to be alone anymore_

_&&&&&&_

_I don't want to be alone anymore._

_I just… I just can't take it. This waiting… This not knowing. I hate to admit it, even to myself but… I-I…_

"…I'm scared…" Yamato's tired voice waved slightly as fresh sobs racked through him. But even these small movements reawakened the pain. The blonde had wrapped his arms around himself desperate for any small comfort he could find… well at least, at least he was alone in the apartment. Hiroaki had gone somewhere. Yamato didn't care, as long as the man was gone. He had no idea what the time was, what day it was, what month. It was all too painful, everything, both physical and mental. Each day in his living hell piled on top of him, bruises on top of bruises, rape after rape, blood on top of blood. The blonde didn't dare close his eyes, fearful of the nightmares that awaited him.

Fresh tears were pouring down his face, but they brought no release from the gnawing ache inside of him. It was like a huge pit of misery had opened up and swallowed him, dragging him into an endless cycle of pain and blood and his own voice screaming. He could hear his voice echoing in his ears, screaming, always screaming.

Yamato wanted more than anything just to be able to hear Taichi's voice once more, just to listen to him talking, just to hear that voice. At the thought of his best friend a pain greater than anything else threatened to overwhelm him. Yamato felt his head throb and with a flash of shock realised that he was likely to pass out again… but that would mean he could sleep without the nightmares. Willing unconsciousness nearer Yamato's whole body froze in fear as the front door was opened and heavy footsteps approached his bedroom door.

"Boy? Get up. Now." As Yamato forced himself to sit up, a wave of intense dizziness rushed through him. His vision swam but now he was fighting to stay awake, terror of what was about to happen to him and an even greater fear of what would happen if he blacked out vied for attention sending his already confused mind spinning. But the blonde boy wasn't given any time to gather his thoughts before Hiroaki grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to his feet. Yamato wavered unsteadily for a moment but regained his balance and stared up at his father's emotionless face. Fear flooded him and he wanted to cry because of it, but today he was safe, the older Ishida made no more moves to hurt him.

"I'm going to a job interview, I'll be gone at least an hour. You know what will happen if you're not here, understand? I think I'll start with that other boy, Taichi…" he let the threat trail off into silence, but nothing else had to be said.

_&&&&&&_

Taichi wiped his eyes, standing up shakily he began the long walk home. He didn't want to face his parents, but he needed to be somewhere he could let go entirely. He hadn't realised how much Yamato had meant to him, until he had gone. The old saying; 'you don't know what you have until you've lost it' rang in his mind. He needed, desperately to hear Yamato's voice, just to know he was ok, to know that… that the blonde was still alive. It was frightening to think about what the blonde could be going through at that very moment. Tai shook his head, trying to clear away these… unpleasant thoughts and started to walk a little faster. Lost in his own misery and thoughts of Yamato Taichi reached his apartment in what seemed to be no time at all. Testing the door the brunette was relieved to find it locked, his parents hadn't come home yet… giving him time to let go totally and be back in control by the time they did return.

Kicking off his shoes, wondering why he still bothered to put shoes on anymore, Taichi padded into the small bathroom, fighting to keep his breathing even. His hands were clenched into fists and his whole body shook with suppressed emotions; rage and despair, and an aching hopelessness. He splashed water on his face; washing away the tears he pretended weren't there. He glanced up, looking at his reflection a fresh burst of anger filled him and his hand darted out and wrapped around the razor blade in his pocket. Without even pausing to think about what he was doing Taichi pushed his sleeve up his arm and brought the blade slashing across his skin. Blood welled up from this newest wound, running down his arm in little beads, russet brown eyes watched as the crimson blood started to drip onto the floor. Slowly Tai raised the blade again and etched another scarlet line across his tanned skin, pausing to watch the blood create shimmering trails down to the floor. Passing the blade to his other hand the brunette began the process over again, drawing the razor over his skin, watching the blood trickled down to the floor, making another cut. All he could hear was his own blood pounding in his ears, drowning out the world around him, a release from the pain in his heart, a way out of his mental torment, an escape… to him it was the gateway to a place beyond fear and pain and the constant nagging guilt… so lost was he in these sensations that Taichi didn't notice that the room was fading from his vision until everything went black.

_&&&&&&_

Blue eyes darted nervously to the clock and back to the table. Yamato knew that if this backfired he could die… but he just had to do this… he needed to hear that voice; he reached out a shaking hand before snapping it back to his chest. He glanced back at the clock again, it was a desperate hope, but… it was all he had. He swallowed hard, his hands trembling as he reached out again, but this time he didn't draw back his hand, his bruised fingers curled around the phone. Still shaking he dialled the familiar number. All he could hear was his blood pounding in his ears, the phone rang, once, twice, three times, again and again, Yamato started to panic, what… what if he didn't pick up? What if everything went wrong?

_&&&&&&_

Taichi's eyes snapped open at the shrill sound that rang in his ears, but they blurred and his fuzzy mind took a moment to realise what the sound was; the phone. Wondering who could be calling the brunette forced himself up off the floor, feeling weak and dizzy, knowing that he'd have to clean the blood off the floor before his parents got home. The short walk to the phone nearly made him pass out again, Tai couldn't help but think about how much blood he'd lost, what effects it could have on him. He picked up the phone, causing it's harsh ringing to stop.

"Hello?" he mumbled tiredly, feeling sick.

"…Tai?" Taichi froze, his eyes wide.

"Matt?"

"Tai… oh gods Tai… I… I." Yamato's voice wavered and broke as he started to cry, all thoughts of what might happen if Tai's parents found out about his self-harming fled as he heard his best friend cry. Tears filled his own eyes as he listened to the soft sounds coming from the other end of the line. Not knowing how to deal with the situation, he just started talking about anything and everything he could. A rambling torrent of the things that popped into his head, his own depression, his problems at school, even about the fact he'd just cut up his arms again, because he knew that Matt would understand. And because on some level he knew that Matt needed to hear someone talking to him.

"I'm sorry Matt. Sorry for being such an asshole, please forgive me… I-I've been a complete idiot. I never meant to hurt you… it was just-just too much to take in. I… please, I'm sorry, sorry for everything."

"I forgive you, only if you forgive me for being an idiot, for all the stupid things I've done… Tai… I-I can't take this much longer. I don't want to die alone." Tai felt like his heart would break at this last whispered admission from the blonde boy. Then anger, deep and furious rushed through him, anger at himself, and anger at Matt's father, how much pain had the blonde gone through to force that admission out of him?

"You're not going to die Matt! I promise, I promise, you are not going to die. I won't let you." Yamato was silent, and for the first time in months he felt cared for, but he knew Tai was wrong, he was going to die, and he had already accepted it in his heart. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he held the phone closer to his face, as if it could offer more comfort. When the blonde had heard Tai's voice, everything felt different, safe in away, safe to tell Tai everything, but he couldn't find the strength to put his thoughts into words.

"Where are you Matt?"

"I-I don't know… I've no idea. I think I'm still in the city, I think."

"…Oh…" silence stretched between them and as much as he hated to say it to his best friend, everything had chanced, all his barriers were broken now.

"Tai, please, please don't stop talking, I-I I'm scared, please stay on the phone." Tai bit his bottom lip, panic trying to take over, he had to get Matt out of there, but with no idea where Matt actually was… "Tai? Please…" the desperation in Yamato's voice was horrible to hear.

"It's okay… I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, I'm here now." Taichi couldn't help but smile as he heard Matt breathe deeply, the brunette didn't think that Matt would let Tai talk to him like that. There was a loud click as a door opened, and both boys turned around to look over their shoulders, Yamato's sigh turned into a sob, as relief flooded him.

Tai's parents and his sisters were standing there, looking at him with wide eyes. The half-stifled sounds off Matt crying again snapped Tai's eyes away from his family.

"I promise its okay now… although my parents are home now, so… what do I tell them?" Ami knelt down in front of her son, watching him with worried eyes, there was blood all over him, and he looked like he'd been crying. There were a thousand questions she wanted to ask, who, for instance, was it on the other end of the line? Tai had his head tilted to one side as he listened to what the other person was saying.

"It's Okay… it's all okay… of course I'll stay on the phone." Taichi looked straight into his mother's eyes, and took a deep breath.

"It's Matt. He's hurt really bad, he doesn't know where he is, but his father's gone out for an hour and Matt didn't know what to do, he think he's gonna die." Ami looked up at her husband, her frown deepening, Tai was talking to Matt again, his voice wavering with fresh tears. She walked over to Takuma, pulling him away from their children.

"What do we do? How can we help him, we can't just leave him!"

"I know, I know. We should call someone, the police perhaps?"

"Yes, but what do we tell them, we have know idea where Matt is!"

"We can still try, I'll call the police, and you take care of the children." Ami glanced at her son, her rooming eyes taking in all the blood, tears still falling from his eyes.

_&&&&&&_

Yamato turned slowly, his heart freezing in fear. His whole body trembling, terror stronger than anything else gripped him, ripping away the small shreds of comfort and hope Tai had given him. Hiroaki's hand curled around his son's throat, shaking him violently. The blonde boy was slammed to the ground the phone falling from his hand.

"I'm gonna make you wish you'd never been born, boy."

A/N: Shameless promotion coming up! Go read and review Slaying the dreamer, and Only when I'm gone by Gemmal, they're her first Digimon fics and they're really good! And don't forget to review this as first!


	11. Sorry!

Hi everyone, I'm so sorry for not updating in so long, but you're going to have to wait a bit longer.

2005 was shit. My mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, three of my close friends died, including my boyfriend. I've failed several exams and my finals will be in early May through to the very end of June. I do not have the time or the energy to put into my fics. Once again I'm sorry

After everything that's happened I've become a suicidal-depressive. My parents wanted me to take Prozac, I refused and this lead to several arguments

Please bear with me until I've gotten myself together


	12. The Deafening Silence

Disclaimer: If you don't know by now you can sue me, all you'll get is my exams, still interested?

Summary: AU Taito. Beaten and abused he did the only thing he could think of, he ran. But how can he ever learn to trust again after everything he's been through? Will his best friend be able to show him the meaning of friendship, or even love?

Warnings: TAITO! So Standard warnings apply there, Self-Mutilation, Abuse, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing and all round Nastiness.

A/N:** Important:** I've been out of it for just under a year now and I've been through major shit, but I'm recovering (slowly, but still…) And I think a big part of that is down to the encouragement I've received from my friends and the MAJORITY of my reviewers, to you wonderful people who've supported me I thank you.

**My Friends:** Jim, _Gemma_, Hannah, _Holly_, Tony, _Nat_, Leonn, _Simon_, and Jeremy.

**My Reviewers:** _Taiy-Chan_, Largo-sensei, _LonelyWalker_, Jodi Crystal, _tsuki_, Kalander, _smoondigiboy_, phoenix, _Michen_, italianboy, _Aeris Tsukiyono_, Sesshy's Goth, _Daray Cybele_, Noroi-Inu, _random ninja_ and annie. All the following chapters are dedicated to you.

P.S, I'm not sure if this chapter will make any sense, it's written in an unusual style and is kind of distanced compared to how I usually write, but it seemed somewhat appropriate.

The Deafening Silence

"_Tai… I-I can't take this much longer. I don't want to die alone."_

"_I promise, I promise, you are not going to die. I won't let you." "It's okay… I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, I'm here now." "I promise it's okay now."_

_"Don't leave Tai, please don't leave… I'm so scared… so damn scared."_

_&&&&&&_

It was worse than he'd ever dreamed. Taichi hung his head, staring at the motionless hand he held. Yamato's mother stood on the other side of her son's bed her eyes as lifeless as the boy himself. Inside Tai knew he was the same, just as unresponsive and faded, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

_"This is all your fault Tai! If you'd only listened to him, this wouldn't have happened! Some friend you are!"_

_"I never wanted this to happen! How can you think for one second that I WANTED THIS?" "This is so stupid! We shouldn't be fighting, we should be worrying about him!"_

_"You are so bloody insensitive Yagami!"_

_"Insensitive, how the fuck can I be insensitive compared to you?"_

_"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"_

_"You know exactly what it means!"_

The door to the private room opened with a soft click. But neither of the two visitors registered it. Footsteps could be heard and a young woman entered the corner of Tai's vision.

"Miss Takaishi? The S.A.E would like to speak with you." The older woman stood up, glanced longingly at her son, before she followed the student nurse out. Tai reached out and brushed Yamato's hair away from his badly bruised face. The brunette closed his eyes, trying to escape the cold white walls that were his world now. A few minutes passed before the door opened again and footsteps once more approached the bed.

"Hey." Takeru whispered as he sat next to his brother, opposite Tai. "How're you doing?" Taichi shrugged, and the younger boy took in his friend's appearance.

Tai had changed, and not for the better. His hair was limp and dull, he was pale and his eyes held a lifeless dead quality. Tai was thin too, unhealthily so, and TK's sharp eyes were drawn to the plastic tag around the other boy's wrist. Tai had been omitted to hospital because he'd been so reckless, pushed himself beyond the limits of his body. And… and this wasn't supposed to have happened! TK tried not to think about anything too much; it just sent him into a downwards spiral of greater depression.

"How long has he been… asleep?"

"Three weeks now. Three whole weeks"

_&&&&&& Flashback_

The apartment was swarming with policemen, asking question after question after question until Tai couldn't remember what anyone else's voice sounded like. And it was always the same series of questions, evoking the same answers. Again, and again, and again. It was wearing on his nerves, they knew, they knew what was happening, what had happened. And yet they were just sitting there, asking him the same damn questions! Something inside of Tai snapped

"What the hell are you doing? I've already told you everything! You know! You can make it stop! But you don't give a shit do you! I know you think I don't know anything. But I'm doing to go out there and find my friend while you sit here on your fat fucking arses and leave him to die!" The brunette had risen to his feet in anger and now he started to walk forward. But exhaustion and blood loss had weakened him, and he staggered, grabbing hold of the wall for support. Fury chorused through his veins and the teen forced himself on. People were shouting at him, parents, sisters, police; but he kept going, dragging his feet forward through force of will. Enough was enough; Tai had let this get out of hand. It was Tai who had let all this happen. And it was going to stop. Now.

_&&&&& End of Flashback_

"It's too long, Tai. I miss him." TK's eyes started to fill with tears, but he held them back. He refused to cry in front of anyone now. He had to be strong for his brother. He just had to.

"I know. I miss him too." Tai turned his gaze back to Yamato's unconscious form. His heart heavy in his chest while everything else weighed on his mind. The myriad of tubes and machines connected to the blond seemed to have an almost predatory quality. Sitting there. Watching him. Their incessant noise never leaving his thoughts. He knew Yamato would hate them too, that he would try everything to get out of this dead place. The blond hated white, it was just so empty. So lifeless. Just like Yamato was now. And Tai's thoughts drove themselves round, and round, and round in a vicious cycle.

_&&&&&&_

_It was empty here. Wherever here was. Nothing but the memories. Memories that had become everything. Forced to relive every moment. Knowing that they were at fault. That they had brought this punishment upon themselves. Knowing that they would die in this place. That all promises would come to nothing._

_&&&&&&_

Natsuko followed the nurse down a corridor, through a door labelled 'Staff only' and into a small room filled with large chairs. Sitting by a coffee table was another woman, in her late middle age, dressed in a nurse's prim outfit, her dark mousy hair pulled back in a bun. She nodded to the young nurse who turned around and left.

"Have a seat Miss Takaishi. I have something to discus with you." The blond sat down opposite the woman, a growing feeling of dread in her heart. "I am Dr. Miki Sucsasi, I'm the resident S.A.E. I've been working on your son's case and I wanted to talk to you face-to-face." There was a heavy silence, and Natsuko began to feel out of place, she shifted slightly in her seat, glancing back towards the door.

"I don't mean to be rude, but I don't want to be away from Matt for too long."

"Of course, I'm sorry. It's just difficult to find to the right words. The evidence is overwhelming, and I'm about 99 sure of what I'm about to tell you. But I can't know for sure without your son confirming it." Miki sighed, running a hand over her temples. "S.A.E stands for Sexual Assault Examiner. Your son has been raped, multiple times. I'm sorry, I truly am."

"No. No, you must be wrong. You, you can't be serious. No… not Matt, please, not him. Not my son." Natsuko buried her head in her hands, shaking badly. This was her fault, why hadn't she realised. He was her son. _Yes, but you never treated him like a son. It was always Takeru this and Takeru this, you hardly ever paid attention to him and when you did you hurt him._

Miki turned away, fixing her eyes on the window. Never before had she seen anyone in such a state, and the emotional scars the boy would carry for the rest of his life… Only an inhuman monster could do this to someone. The darker woman stood up and made a couple of cups of coffee. _I really should stop drinking this. _She mused distractedly. Natsuko had broken down into hysterical tears, sobbing harshly. Miki walked back over and sat next to the crying mother, putting a hand on her shoulder, a pitiful attempt to comfort her. _What do you say to someone in her situation? What could I possible do or say to make this better?_

_&&&&&&_

Takeru closed his eyes, why had this happened? They weren't bad people, at least his brother certainly wasn't. Yamato so rarely did something for himself; it was always his friends that came first. But here they were; Yamato in a coma, almost dead. Taichi wasted, only half there, hospitalised himself. Takeru sinking further and further into his own pit of despair. All the others desperately hoping Yamato would pull through, feeling helpless and shattered. The young boy felt the now familiar sting of tears at the back of his eyes, he hastily wiped them away. I_ have to be strong. _Squeezing his brother's hand Tk sighed sorrowfully. _Come on Matt, we need you. Brother, please._

_&&&&&&_

_In the place of nothingness. Where everything is white. A slender figure falls to their knees. They put their head in their hands. They start to cry. There is no escape from the memories here. Softly they whisper. The same thing over and over again._

_"Please help me. Please, please help me." There is no answer. The silence is deafening. The memories start to close in once more._

_&&&&&&_

A/N: Well? I know, it sucks and it's a lot shorter than I would have liked but I'm still cramming for exams. (Oh woe is me). But I hope this is enough to tide you guys over until I can update again. Please leave a review on your way out, it would be much loved and appreciated. Tami.


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